Microphones in the Trees

X - Ray

2012-01-26T22:56:00.002-05:00

I can see through it.
cardboard walls and matchstick frame.
The haunt and illusion.

Your aura of perfection.
Does not illuminate the room.
Your extravagance will rust.

All that is great.
Is consumed by the wolves.
Leaving skeletons to bury themselves.

un

2010-09-09T00:20:00.002-04:00

I could cry for this youth that I've lost.
For the extra pounds that I've gained.

For the opportunities that have past me by.
For the anxiety that's kept me still.

For the people I wish I treated better.
For the friends I could have made.

For this problem that I will never solve.
For all I have to live with.

Perge in place

2010-06-09T01:27:00.002-04:00

Sometimes I feel like I'm going nowhere. Sort of that "no way is up" - "no way to win" situations, you know? I can't make a decision, at this stage of my life, that does not hurt someone else. That's an absolute truth. I cannot make everyone happy. I can't even make myself happy. I don't even know how to make myself happy. I've never found anything that made me happy.

Everything I've ever believed in has gone away or proven itself to be a lie or something. I've done a lot I am not proud of. I don't think I'm anything special. I wish I didn't know everything I know.

I don't see the point of me.

What would you do if you saw spaceships over Glasgow?

2010-04-09T22:47:00.002-04:00

What is all this for?

Life, all this shit you know. Why do miners have to put up with terrible working conditions? Why do soldiers have to go to war?

Does this cycle benefit us?

What am I going to do with myself?

Distant

2010-02-28T00:39:00.002-05:00

Feel cut off.

Desert island.

Everyone on ships wave as they pass.

Stomach hurts because I ate too much.. I've become a glutton. No self control. Do whatever feels good with no tomorrow. Bad.

I guess I was never right before.

But I feel stuck in reverse.

Goods and services

2010-02-25T01:28:00.002-05:00

Selling now, all time lows. buy buy. turn of the century is ancient history, stupid people doing stupid things, yadayada. People will look back at me and call me a fool. Probably am fool.

It's 0130, olympics on mute. Empty-ish sink, though the battle of vegetable drain is not won. Many casualties along the way. General Sanity shot by sniper.

Coffee is the newest fad. Sushi is so last week.

I've got too many recyclables piled up.

I don't know what else I can say. That would change anything. Nothing I'd like to remember.

Not arisen yet.

Missed something

2010-02-20T00:40:00.002-05:00

I think I've missed things over the years. Chances to make friends. Signs that I should change my life.

Missed the part where I was supposed to figure stuff out.

Missing a lot of what I'm supposed to be doing right now.

I've got no clue.

Show me the way to go home

2010-02-04T22:20:00.001-05:00

I'm tired and I wanna go to bed.
I had a little drink 'bout an hour ago and it's gone right to my head.

I.
Don't.
Have.
Anything.
Else.
To.
Say.

Which way is up?

Something I wanted to remember

2010-02-01T22:34:00.002-05:00

"The only difference between here and China is that here you speak and it doesn't matter. Over there you just don't say anything. It's the same result in the end" -Brian M.

Columbia

2010-01-26T13:56:00.002-05:00

Big words and big ideas
soundin sane on the subway
We are just fascinating

One day we'll dress up,
we who are how we look,
and forget it all
cuz it's damn fascinating

Beginning of the End

2010-01-20T23:24:00.002-05:00

I'm sort of melancholy recently. This is the end of sorts. No longer a kid. On my own.

Except not really on my own. People still expect things of me. Wife, kids, good job, all that. But I don't really desire these things. I hardly know what I want. I think I know what I don't want, which is a start. Sidetracked, right.

So it's my last semester of my last year of college. I've not done much I dreamed of. I did a lot I'm not proud of. I can't help but feeling like I failed. Like I didn't accomplish anything here. No revolution or anything, you know? Not even the start. I've not come out of my shell. I'm probably not such a great friend, etc.
(I'm starting to feel glad no one reads this much)

So, what now? I've done what was asked, what do I do now?

I guess I have to start looking.

Post christmas

2009-12-26T19:29:00.002-05:00

Somehow, you never get what you really want.

In the past, I'd go into an anti-materialist rant, but I'd feel hypocritical if I did it today. Not because I found happiness in what I got, but because I took what I got with the normal, content smile. Maybe I was happy for a minute there.

Then again, I'm glad I got something. Glad I don't have nothing. Lucky kid, I am.

Lucky for no good reason.

That buzz you hear is a million little fires

2009-12-10T00:37:00.002-05:00

Fortune 500 conglomorates.
Building caverns in the ground for expanses combustable liquides.
Monotone, but everyone's quiet.
'cuz they got the money that we all want.

A nice donation here.
A kind word there.
Pictures for their brochures.
Public relation cloud #9.

Just go along.
Wear you're nicest shirt and khakis.
Pretend you belong.
Before you come to your senses.

Try not to worry about it too much.
There's no way that they're happy.
They can build caverns for oil.
But not happiness.

hi-atus

2009-12-05T02:12:00.002-05:00

Once upon a time, I thought I was past this. I was done, never to return. A symbol of my teenage past. Heirlooms, like all the bullshit in my room back home from high school, on a shelf gathering dust. Revisit when I'm 40 and in the midst of a nasty mid life crisis.

I'm back again for some reason.

Typing stuff that's nonsensical.

Annoyed at the priorities at hand. Running from the truth. That sort of thing. Again.

Whatever.

Meaning.

2009-09-12T23:39:00.002-04:00

What is it that I mean again? Alone, my own definition's worthless.

Try to define myself in a way that's evident in how I live my life.

Whatever that's supposed to mean.

Step 1: Disconnect

2009-08-25T20:47:00.002-04:00

Internet is mostly bullshit anyway. Forums are a poor replacement for the real thing.

But I have to see who is on facebook. That person I haven't seen in years. Some girl I knew in grammar school and was never really friends with. The people who you know but don't really give a fuck. Fuck that. Why do I need it? What positive effect is it to my life? Some false sense that I have hundreds of friends?

No reason to spend my life here. Try to get out and do something positive, or something. What I've been saying for years.

tea and two slices

2009-08-18T20:06:00.002-04:00

On the bright side, I'm not actually poor.

If I was really poor, I wouldn't have a place to sleep or anything. I'm only poor on paper, with it's red ink and compounding interest. Standard highway robbery no one can touch.

I'm not poor because I don't look or dress like it. Middle class to the ultimate degree.

Maybe I should. Stop buying shit I don't need. In more than one way.

Last Light

2009-07-26T21:14:00.002-04:00

Anvils in the sky
white and grey with anger
Last light of the sun
beaming to the top of our towers

Water suspended in the sky
updrafts of pressure
sequenced through time
until we make it to the ocean.

69th street blues

2009-06-30T23:10:00.003-04:00

Not a prince or a king
don't own a thing
besides this soaked sweatshirt
and the shoes on my feet

No posh cafes by candlelight
at midnight
no polite doorman
just a nosy fat policeman

All I got is this st pauli pen
stolen paper
this lousy idea that
I don't know why I'm writing down

And the 69th street blues.

not going to take your shit

2009-06-30T23:08:00.002-04:00

I don't need to take yr shit no more
I'm set free and I'm running
I don't care that you can't hear me
Mail the check I'm not coming back

I've listened too long so now
I'm acting
I've not been happy
I'm not here
Replaceable cog that's gone
much too long without oil

I can't stay cuz of your shit
So I'm not going to take it anymore.

nostard

2009-06-30T23:06:00.001-04:00

Laid out staring up
starless sky cuz it's too bright
stare upwards and watch the
satellites an meteorites float by

No one here cuz I'm not
except the cameras in the trees
looking but I insist I'm not here

Some where without a care
or something over my head.

never.

2009-06-30T23:04:00.001-04:00

You'll never meet him again.
Never see never smell never dream
Of a person willing to dream

Dynamic variable undead
anxious proud fearful

Never as well as now

Seek, dream, wish, stare
into the sunset
as it disappears

Gathering Storm

2009-06-28T21:51:00.001-04:00

I can see it.
Flashes off in the distance.
Rumbles and grumbles of
Discontent, of oppression.

They're on their way.
Getting closer and closer
Shouting "God is Great"
From the rooftops.

Neda, don't be afraid.
Alex, don't worry about them.
Death will only cause this storm
To gather steam and be louder.

Violence and emotion.
Despair and defeat.
This storm will just get louder.
Until it stumbles again.

Collapsable figurine

2009-06-24T22:17:00.002-04:00

Information.
Contained in boxes.
On paper.
In an image of a bygone president.

Information.
Stored in files.
Magnetic zeros.
Decipherable scripts.

Worthy just for you.
Until it get's minimized.
Deleted and recycled.
The refuse of the silicon age.

Y so serious?

2009-05-27T01:30:00.002-04:00

Caller was a friend... Eventually gave himself up by rickrolling... Need a brighter side of me.

Brighter side. Cheery. Basically, fraudulent? Why should I be happy while other people get bombed tonight?

I think that perhaps even if you don't get your way, if the world is not much better for you being around, you should at least have a laugh I guess.

Or I could just read Ayn Rand and become self absorbed. Probably easier.

RESTRICTED

2009-05-26T02:37:00.004-04:00

They're calling me. By "they", I mean someone who has a restricted number and thinks it's funny to call at really odd hours on memorial day. Not say anything when I answer, just faint static. It doesn't leave voicemail, but left a really short message once. It doesn't make sense.

Probably a fax machine on the rye. Automated call center breakdown. Either way, it's fucking creepy.

I dunno. This isn't the retreat I was looking for. So much, yet so little going on. All the annoying things you can think of, not so many fun things you can think of. Can't sleep well, have been antisocialish...

I can't help imagine it's a real person on the other end. Trying to reach out and say something but not having the words. Who would call me? What could they have to say?

Either way, like I say, this isn't fun being home.

Do I have trouble sleeping?

2009-05-24T21:25:00.002-04:00

Dad asked that. I said no. Answer was yes. Dad was reading a newspaper story about kids who had trouble sleeping cuz they were stressed, unhappy, etc.

Great.

This doesn't feel like home.

Gotcha.

2009-05-23T00:14:00.003-04:00

Killed a mosquito. First one of the year. Got him before he got me. That's the name of the game, don'tyouknow? Bankrupt them before they bankrupt you. It's funny to see that america, the king of capitalism, of this whole game, is starting to lose to china. If only china was really communist. They'd call the loans in and laugh as we shrunk into this quagmire of our own making.

New subject, neither you nor I come on here to listen to me rant about capitalism more.

I have a job that I think I'll end up disliking, probably. Job I'll dislike. Sounds familiar. More traps that you get pushed into by everyone around. Have to get a job, good paying job. Money you make wont be enough. Take out loans. Lots of loans. Live your life working for possessions.

Just like Tyler Durden said. Own enough stuff, and your stuff will end up owning you.

But um.

I have a ton in student loans. So I guess I have to finish college. And work the loans off. And then I'll be like, 25 and have no direction home.

And then I'll find home.

Sounds like a life plan that I'd enjoy.

I must be dreaming.

I'm running

2009-05-02T00:50:00.002-04:00

Maybe more like jogging. As fast as my faux dress shoes can carry me. They're pretty heavy and make a weird thumping sound as I go. I'm running, in my only suit and tie, only pair of black dress pants, only pair of dark socks that don't quite match. Running, because the interview I was trying to get to was supposed to start a minute ago, and I had 10 blocks to go.

I'm late, you say? Well, normally it takes less than an hour to get downtown. I'd gotten up at 7 you see, showered and all that, got all dressed up, got on the subway by 8. No problem. Until the subway stops at some forsaken street near Columbia. Sitting there, because the train ahead of us was stopped. Minutes go by. A couple arguing silently by the door. She slaps him and walks away. The guy, chases after her. Grabs her by the shoulder and pushes her into the wall. Everyone stays still, the person next to me typing on her blackberry like nothing happened. I stand up. Breifly considering to jump on the guy if he starts wailing on her. Luckily it doesn't happen. But I'm standing there. I guess it was rude to stare.

10 minutes later and I'm going to be late for this interview. The train pulls away. I'm doomed.

This isn't the worst thing that can happen.

The love of my life that I don't have could slap me and walk away. If I had a love of my life.

This isn't the worst thing that can happen. I could be doing this every day.

The interview starts, the guy is kind of quick and witty, it's kind of odd. He starts by asking about myself, things like that.

"Do you go out drinking a lot?"

It's a serious question he just asked. I think I heard it, but the only thing I can think of is Admiral Ackbar yelling "IT'S A TRAP!" in my ear. I answer truthfully, only occasionally, like once a week. Apparently he'd rather me go out every night. He went out last night, it was a wild night.

Cool.

The interview ends. It wasn't great. At all.

It's not the worst thing that could happen. The worst thing that could happen is still on it's way.

Listen

2009-04-19T14:43:00.002-04:00

I get the general feeling, general impression that people don't really listen to me. Or, listen to me and say that they'll do something but not follow through. The scary thing is that these people have a future job of mine in their hands and stuff.

That's just what I'm thinking.

Otherwise, I'm too busy with homework to be paranoid. Too much stuff I've been putting off. I'd rather listen to Stars of the Lid and work at my own pace and relax. (Dopamine clouds over Craven Cottage = new favorite song)

I think it's a good thing that no one listens to me here. And a bad thing that no one listens to me outside of here.

zeroFminus

2009-03-28T01:00:00.002-04:00

our shows abt being lost are on an island
our reality abt being lost is not on TV
No on interested about those stupid other people
breathing air and getting help from others
"their" wallet, "their" 401k, "their" "nation"

This art is a lie.
Our movies are garbage about garbage.
Video killed the musician.

we speak through microphones and amplifiers
demanding love and respect, for ourselves.
for an order where ourselves are in charge

There is only order in consensus
there is only consensus when EVERYONE is listened to
Everyone is only listened to in.................

short circuited monolith

2009-03-08T23:43:00.002-04:00

Can't sleep. Too warm. Helicopter flying low overhead.

Something about old episodes of house on mute looping on the TV.

Something about going nuts over what tomorrow brings.

When the world is sick, can't no one be well?

cake is a lie

2009-02-22T01:05:00.002-05:00

I'm a walking hypocrisy.

I um... I've been writing on this shit for like, 3 years now.

Talk talk talk, and I'm still here, not doing anything.

Maybe later or something. I haven't forgotten. I don't have anything better to do. I don't have the courage.

Leading back to being a hypocrisy...

Hello internet

2009-02-08T22:39:00.002-05:00

I still exist. It's been like, 3 weeks or something in school now. Kind of flew it seems.

I've not been posting. Mostly cuz I um, haven't been inspired or anything. By inspired I mean like, I haven't been out all too much in a setting where I'll have a good idea to write about. By "good idea", I mean something that's not horridly self absorbed/whiny/boring/all of above. I suppose this post falls into that category, but whatever.

Doesn't matter anyway.

White flag.

2009-01-21T22:40:00.002-05:00

If my ideals were in any way possible, I'd sleep well tonight. [I wont sleep well tonight]

I think some people are... Amazingly great. There exists many people who are much better than myself. Then, I'm just off the face of the earth. I'm just here. Kind of too idealist to fit in, but no where charming enough to pull it off.

I'm a little lost.

the miserable/the oppressed/the dead.

2009-01-08T23:19:00.002-05:00

People taking the bus home. From their, you know, shirt and tie, "professional" (like other people aren't professional at what they do) jobs... Making money on wall street or whatever sad thing they're doing. They're all fucking miserable. I see it in their eyes. Their attitude, devoid of anything resembling empathy. Snappy and miserable. In power, though. Going home to their middle of the line car in a park n ride, driving to their middle of the line home. Not standing up for anything, but their money and power.

Meanwhile, the kind guy chases a man out of the subway, bringing him his umbrella that was left behind. Older guy, or just perhaps just more worn out. No reason to do it, but to save a guy from walking in the pouring rain.

Why am I supposed to admire the rich? Why do we not follow around those who are technically poor, but do nice things, and take pictures of them doing nice things for people they do not know?

Meanwhile, Gaza burns and we all think it's just okay. Just okay that Israel is bombing schools. They're not terrorizing the general population. Gazans are too busy trying to survive and bury their children to be scared.

Christmas/one reason/nuclear age

2008-12-26T23:22:00.004-05:00

What a sad time of year. Even Santa, the trophy of selflessness, is going on a shooting spree. (link) Perfectly trimmed lawn. The best lights. Masters degree in Engineering. Pleasant, Catholic guy. Everything I'm about to be.

Not the only reason why it's a sad time of year. The rest of the reasons well... We've all been there. Feeling alone, feeling like everyone else is happy but we're not, that game.

Grim reality is even my parents don't know what to buy me for Christmas.

In fact, the one reason I exist is to go to school. I don't think anyone expressed interest into much else about me. Just how were those grades. When are you graduating. All I have to look forward to is those questions about what job I'll get, then who I'll marry, then when I'll get promoted, then when I'll retire...

This age, this glass globe we live in... It has to shatter before we can be who we are.

state of the union [our skinheads hang out at holister[

2008-12-23T00:39:00.002-05:00

Often times, European culture and American culture are generalized together, simply, "the west." To me, there's one clear difference between the two. Radicalism exists in Europe. Here, well... Our skinheads hang out at holister. Sharp in their polo/sweater/fashionably mangled jeans. Only the best chinatown special cologne. Standing in front of the store, their exact clone, staring out into the mall. Except maybe he's shirtless, and ripped and tan and all that shit, or something. We love that stuff.

Our skinheads hang out at Holister, preaching on about the holiness of Ayn Rand and Objectivism. Why Ron Paul should've won so mommy and daddy can pay less taxes, so the government can help less people.

The salvation of the tatters that is the counter culture here in America is that our skinheads are pretty lame.

Though, it's not hard to find the tatters of the counter culture. They're at the mall too. At least they get yelled at for loitering. [Apparently, you can't stand in a mall, you've got to walk around and buy shit] Too busy with drugs to give a shit about possibly even objecting to the presence of the objectivist temple that is the mall, not to even mention taking direct action.

We've done it. We're a totally apathetic nation.

I want to change this place.

Lost/Abbandoned/Free

2008-12-16T00:24:00.002-05:00

The unintended consequence of my existence today was...

Today, I eh, I suppose you'd say I quit my one role in a social instutition I held, as you could see.

The backstory goes they gave us about a tenth of what we asked for in budgeting, and apparently if you complain, it's insulting. What a great government.

The question is... Am I right? If I think I'm right, how come no one else seems to care about how fucked up government is? How come I've concluded this and everyone is a-okay with it?

Why do I, all of a sudden, have the feeling of being an unwanted step child?

"An error does not become truth by reason of multiplied propagation, nor does truth become error because nobody sees it. "

(A)

My resignation letter.

2008-12-15T23:15:00.001-05:00

all of student government-

I am resigning my position as Treasurer in Games Club. After consulting with a few of my friends and fellow officers of games club, I have decided that it is impossible for me to continue serving this current version of student government.

This email is thereby my personal thoughts on the issues raised, and does not represent the stances of games club, it's officers, et al.

One of my favorite philosophers of all time, Ghandi, once said, “A 'No' uttered from the deepest conviction is better than a 'Yes' merely uttered to please, or worse, to avoid trouble.” I stand by my emails to Mr. Perro. I did not use foul language. I did not insult Mr. Perro personally. I assert that I am fully within my rights to complain to the student government about the money which was not alloted to the club I belonged to. I assert that I have this right because I am a citizen of this government. Each semester, I pay money towards student activities. If this is a democracy, I think I should therefore have the ability to:

1) Review the budget for each semester.
2) Have the right to speak freely in order to raise grievances about the amount allocated.
3) Have student government address my issues in fair and timely manner.

Simply put, it's the job of government to serve it's constituents, not the other way around. Throughout this process, student government has taken more of an interest in criticizing me for complaining about this issue, rather than working to solve my issue.

I do not understand why student government does not like me.

I have apologized for the poor timing of my complaints. There is absolutely nothing I could do about this. I did not mean for them to fall around the time allotted for final examinations. However, there is nothing I could possibly do about it. It should not have prevented the answering of a simple question, such as “What did we do wrong to warrant sanctions?”, a question that remains an absolute mystery. Instead of looking in the records as to what we did wrong, student government would rather take that time to tell me to basically stop complaining. I find this to be unacceptable behavior toward myself, a person who this government allegedly serves.

I will not back down or disavow my most basic human rights. I apologize if the exercise of rights offends you. I will never apologize for criticizing government. Particularly over an issue which is so vital such as the denial of funds towards the club I once belonged to.

I hope that, in the future, games club will continue on without me and will not be looked upon negatively from this affair. I wish all my friends the best of luck.

incompliant/fill in/wrong way

2008-11-16T22:39:00.002-05:00

So so so... Rough. Long day. Too much thought. Not enough... work. If I can call it work. If I knew what I was doing I'd call it work. I don't have a clue. If'n I get through this, I could do anything, yeah? That's what's said. I'm beginning to think that's a very horrible rationalization.

SO I've resorted to just... Not doing this anymore. Not now, not tonight. Sorry to disappoint, teachers who demand of me. I'm just not as smart as you. Or as smart as most of my classmates. Why stop there. I'm not smart. I'm just a product of a good education because I was lucky enough to be born in this country. There's a brilliant African kid. Smarter than me. Starving cuz he wasn't born in the right place. He deserves to be here, and I should be finding something great to do with my life, instead of spending it in this great institution for... What's this institution doing? Are we supposed to be learning life lessons, or something? Is this a giant test to prove to everyone else that I'm, like... tough or something? I. Don't. See. The. Logic.

All that's said about me is mostly true. I'm this... faux intellectual pretending I've got stuff figured out in this place that few read. I'm not that smart, says the SAT. I'm a failure, according to the school. I don't think, I don't hear, anyone saying much else, I suppose. I guess that's not bad. No one's calling me a scum bag or anything, that's a plus.

I guess there's a positive in every negative, or something.

happiness/attics/recycled

2008-11-12T22:06:00.002-05:00

Am I there yet? Am I there yet? Am I there yet?

There's a reset button somewhere. So I can be not so lethargic and uninspired. A way to find some sort of meaning. A way to be destroyed and broken down in order to be something useful.

Just a happiness addict, jonesin' for the next source of happiness I can suck dry for my vane self interest.

Longdays/undoing/taunt

2008-11-09T22:39:00.003-05:00

Going home is a bad idea. I never get school work done at home. Never. I can't. I came back to school, but by the time I got here, it wasn't really a great time to start doing work. So I'm canning it all for tomorrow. Er, the whole week, it seems. It'll take a while to do it all. It'll take forever.

I don't have forever to feel alive. I have until this next second to be happy. Otherwise, I'm just sitting here being emo. I don't have time for that. I could get hit by a bus in the morning. I could fail to wake up. So I'm not going to go to bed worried about school. I have better things to worry about.

Like regrets.
Like being mortal.

Part of me wishes I could just rake leaves all day.

Is it edible/will it kill me/amifree

2008-11-05T18:24:00.002-05:00

Play and read?

3rd year of eating crappy food. In procrastination for a test tomorrow in which I have no idea what I'm going to be tested on, I researched the company that provides food for our school cafeterias. It serves food in prisions and military bases, though it wont tell you the first one on it's website. No one is proud of feeding the perceived lower class, but they'll do it anyway because they probably send dump trucks of money your way. It's a multinational corporation. The fucking Walmart of food services. I've come to the conclusion that almost none of it is nutritious in any way. Nothing good is coming to us out of it. Just dump trucks of money heading to an executive somewhere.

Obama won. We're still here. We're not saved. I dunno. I don't feel more free. Maybe I'm a pessimist. I don't see the light at the end of this tunnel.

I am the key to the lock in your house...

2008-10-30T10:53:00.003-04:00

Odd past couple of days. This whole "election" bit is starting to get to me. The school newspaper, the other day, put out an issue, featuring the two "candidates" and offering full polling results and articles offering the pros and cons of the candidates. Faculty to discuss women voting more. Funny statistics, obviously inflated by kids thinking that they have to answer a certain way to look good. To look like they give a shit. To look like they want to change the world.

83% was the figure. 83% of the kids polled were going to vote. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. The national rate is something like 50%, and that's with people at their homes at night. At school? Forget about it. Like kids went through the trouble of absentee balloting. The truth is, these kids know what's really going on. They do. They know that their vote is meaningless. That, no matter what they say, the world isn't going to change with McCain or Obama in office. Not for the better, in any case. They know it doesn't really matter. Yet the college rag keeps saying they should vote if they care about things to come, and the fucking peace people hold debate parties and vote now concerts and shit. Like fucking Barack Obama is going to bring peace to the world. HERE'S A NEWS FLASH. IT'S IN CAPS, YOU CAN'T MISS IT. HE'S WANTS TO GO INTO PAKISTAN AND BLOW UP SCHOOLS BECAUSE SOME GUY HAS A FRIEND WHO SAYS IT'S A TERRORIST TRAINING CAMP. HE WANTS MORE TROOPS IN AFGHANISTAN! THAT IS NOT PEACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You know this. You do. Yet, you have to show that you care, right? That, sure Obama wont bring peace, but McCain will bring less peace so you should vote for the lesser of two evils.

I do not know about you, but I wont accept this. I deserve better than this. I will not endorse a man who is going to blow up a more buildings in the name of my "safety."

I will speak to the contrary.

Reminder.

2008-10-22T12:22:00.002-04:00

A person from my graduating class in high school died the other day. Apparently something alcohol related, from what I gather. Horrible. It's hard to answer why. Death seems so unnecessary, especially in someone so young. Just because he wanted to have fun. Because no one's found the better way yet.

It's terribly demotivating. Why continue to grind myself in the bone and do well in school? It's not going to make me happier. It's going to have the opposite effect.

I'm off to continue trying to find the point.

past impressions/present problems/future uncertainty.

2008-10-19T18:50:00.002-04:00

It's been a while. A few weeks. Maybe couple of weeks I suppose, to be accurate.

I've been busy. Had a few tests. No disasters yet. Hanging in there, hanging in there fine, let's hope that stays the same.

I get the impression that these days are sick. I get the impression that all candidates for president do not have a clue about what they're talking about. I get the impression that people aren't going along with this race because they think they're guy's got the best ideas for the future.

Politics isn't about the ideas anymore. It's not about the theory. It's not about the practice. It's not about the results.

It's about the naive hope that people hold in their candidates. Vote Obama, he'll bring peace. Vote McCain, our economy will be uber and plumbers can save for their own businesses. [small businesses, ha ha. Like they'll be around much longer]

If it were about the results, we would've demanded Bush's impeachment for his failures in the lead up to the Iraq war. Would've demanded he were held responsible for the failed policies he dictated to America without giving the citizens a choice to disprove. If we could recall a president, we'd be past this whole thing already...

Present. I have homework that I should get done for tomorrow that I will not finish tonight. I wish I could type "Oh well" and not feel bad. I suppose it's his fault, partially for confusing everyone on the due dates of all this. I think it's probably more vital that I take my time and learn the material. Yeah... Other than that, problems are small, and are mostly with myself. I'll get on it.

Future is coming. Halloween in a week or two. Thanksgiving the month after. Christmas after that. I get the feeling, the funny feeling, that it's not going to contain any particular magic.

I can't help but realize that it's not going to be that merry of a Christmas for a lot of people around the world.

The earth is not a cold, dead place.

2008-10-05T01:08:00.002-04:00

Today, I felt like death. I wallowed in bed until, practically, 1 or 2. I was entirely, totally wiped out. Absolutely wrecked. I don't think I'm too sick anymore, besides the headache I got, probably from sleeping practically more than 12 hours.

This is what I've become. I'm a total mess.

I got laundry done. I started studying for a test on monday. Tomorrow I'm taking the week off from my normally early sunday wakeups and waking up later than normal, then staying around here and doing work. I've got a mountain to climb tomorrow. A mountain of something harder than stone and earth.

A mountain of academia.

That I've never been skilled at scaling. That I hardly even want to climb anymore. It's hard these days to be inspired to keep going.

But I feel that if I stop here, I'll perish.

Paradoxes of breath

2008-10-01T12:46:00.002-04:00

If "Paradoxes" is the correct plural version of "paradox". I doubt it is. Can I ever be right about something like this? Haha. Almost like how right I can be about tests. Which isn't much.

Breathing sucks when you're sick. Right now, my sinuses are clogged, nose is stuffy, and it's just no fun. Had me thinking about the realities of breathing however many times per minute, per hour, per day, per lifetime. All the energy consumed by muscle as it expands and contracts. How much of that energy is lost due to inefficiency... For an evolved creature, we're so fucking inefficient. In physical ways, we can't do much about, but in general... We could make things so much better than they are, but... We don't care.

All we seem to care about is what we put above each other.

Greet Death

2008-09-27T22:34:00.002-04:00

I went to a funeral today. An Irish lady, friend of the family I suppose you'd say. Never really recall meeting her. Had no family in America, but lived here for a long while. Sad reality.

What can you do, I suppose?

It's going to happen eventually. Something we all hate being reminded of, but... My thought.

If Kerry had won...

2008-09-26T00:11:00.002-04:00

Would things really be different?

1) We wouldn't be in Iraq! Ehhhh, I shrug at this. This isn't a good thing to debate because, sadly, we'll never know if this is the truth or not. Yes, Kerry did run a campaign based on the mishandling of Iraq, though very poorly. At that time, I don't think we we're quite at the point where we knew, conclusively, that the WMDs were a lie. But I don't know. I will never say that we wouldn't be in Iraq if Kerry were president right now. Power is too intoxicating to say that he wouldn't ever change his tune when the military was screaming in his ear.

2) No PATRIOT ACT! Perhaps not, true. Though, it's my view that there'd still be rampant racial fear around in the country. We'd still be very sure to check the Arab's shoes. The government would still find a way to be intrusive. Again, it would look nice, but I don't feel like anything would be radically different.

I refuse to vote for either candidate because neither candidate offers a new way of thought. It's the same old story. The same old representative politics. Same old maneuvers. This country needs an socialist Barack Obama. This country needs a Martin Luther King for the rights of the poor. This country needs someone to stand at the stoop of wall street and get them to stop skimming the riches from the people.

No one's going to. But I want someone to.

Puzzles.

2008-09-23T22:21:00.004-04:00

Puzzles are fun, in the fustrating challenge way. I sometimes try the crossword, but quickly give up and just do soduku and word search and stuff.

In reality, I try puzzles each day. We all try puzzles each day. Most of life is a puzzle in itself. We're all trying to make the pieces fit in just the right way so we get what we want with no effort. We all wish that dream girl would fall at our feet. That we'd get a 4.0 in every class. That we'd satisfy everyone who expects something from us. Life never works this way. We're given a box of pieces and told to make our lives out of it. We all puzzle over how to live the beautiful life.

I put it together the other day. Physically. If only I can do it spiritually and emotionally.

The first pic says "Solve the puzzle in the world"... Marker bled a lot it seems, sorry.

IWW = Idustrial Workers of the World. Look it up perhaps if you don't know.

If I were you, I'd hate me

2008-09-12T22:44:00.002-04:00

Yeah, I would.

I didn't hold the door for you.

Yeah, I threw away most of my food while people starve, because I can't eat that shit anymore.

I'm quiet. Yeah. News. It's probably the most valid reason to hate me.

Yeah, I say stupid things a lot.

And I'm the only one who laughs. I'm pretty damn selfish.

You should hate me.

will not sing in your damned parade.

2008-09-07T22:07:00.002-04:00

What's been on my mind?

The month or so it's been since my last thought... Has been a time of putting thought into practice, in a way. Putting in an attempt to overbalance hatred with love, chaos with peace, work with boredom.

The struggle has been, for me, balancing my dislike and contempt for authority with love. The idea of loving your enemies is a hard one to balance. Where is the line between loving the person and being supportive of authority? Where is the line that divides between a good person and being a boss?

This troubles me. I cannot support them, of course. I can't wish them luck in busting down doors and going through everyone's stuff. But I can't hate them. I've know what I have to do, but this practice isn't easy.

Hopefully this becomes more regular, posting on here. It may not, I'm a little busy. I'll try.

Kid A

2008-08-15T00:03:00.002-04:00

I have a fundamental problem in the way I live my life.

I can not effectively deal with people. [they say that you can tell that a person's lying if he doesn't use contractions. It creates a funny paradox in this case. I appear to be lying to myself over something I'm trying to accuse myself of. (Don't be afraid, I'm very lost too)]

You see, this creates a sort of... internal question to myself. How can I claim to love those I do not engage in conversation with? How can I be there to serve everyone if I don't know anyone?

The idea I've been interested in this summer, like all summers, you know, justice and freedom and love, and all that, doesn't work in a one man world. Thinking of it, reading of it, dreaming of it, does nothing if I don't practice it, aye? Well, how can I practice it if I don't deal with anyone?

I've had the flu or something these past couple days. Outside my family, and work, because I had to arrange for someone to cover my shift. I don't really think anyone noticed. This is kind of... worrying. I mean, I'm laying in the bed I made, it's totally my fault.

I understand what I'm doing wrong. I don't know how to be any other way. Herein lays the problem.

I want to be normal. I despise normality. It's a fun paradox to play with.

Thoughts that took nearly a month.

2008-08-05T01:15:00.002-04:00

Sorry for the gap. My life hasn't spared me much time.

I've spent some that I have trying to engauge in debate with some people from the a forum I frequent on the topics of anarchy and socialism. I wrote this bit up the other day after a person, for the millionth time, said "Hey, you can't be an anarchist AND a socialist!"

For some reason, I get the impression that you're not quite in the minority in this thread. I don't know if you missed it or not, but it's a topic I don't mind addressing. It seems to me that most people have a very narrow view of communism/socialism and anarchy.

It's not just socialism and anarchy that people are confused of. As demonstrated earlier when a poster falsely welded the ideas of democracy and capitalism at the hip, impossible to be separated, when in reality socialism can be democratic and capitalism can be fascist. From history, we can get a great education, but it is foolish to think that the past must dictate the future. On to the meat and potatoes.

You are correct in your assesment that greed does make communism very difficult to execute on a large scale without a rigid, authoritarian government. Such a government wasn't part of the blueprint, but it was thought of to be an acceptable evil for the common good. But, as Mr. Orwell illustrates for us in Animal Farm, power always corrupts the leaders in such cases to stray from the original ideal into the same old human conditions.

The theme that power corrupts is a popular one to me. It seems to be nearly absolute. History does not offer many examples of a leader who never waivered in his or her quest to satisfy the constituents. Instead, it seems to me that they always know what's best for the people. That the people are petty fools who don't know what's good for themselves. This point is best illustrated in modern day Venezuela and other countries under the control of the communist party. Chavez thinks he alone can solve the nation's problems, that he can bring down what he sees as a morally horrific western culture. While I find some of his views to be agreeable, I do not think he should appoint himself dictator or anything of the sorts. Even though I could say that his economic ideas are somewhat decent, I cannot count myself as a supporter of him because of his actions reguarding elections, etc.

The base for communism is "commune". We all live in communities. In towns, in neighborhoods, in cities, in states. Communities, in my eyes, are not made up and ruled by town councils and police. They are given identity by the people who compose them. From this idea, everyone is different and gives their own unique contribution to the area around them. It also means that one person cannot make up a community. Instead, they are all influenced equally by individuals. This is why I don't think fascism and communism are forever welded at the hip. Stalin would have sent his dogs onto me for saying so, but let's not bind ourselves into history.

You're view into anarchy is also incorrect. Yes, anarchists like myself do want to do away with leaders. However, we do not want society to go away. We're social animals. No one can ever disband society. We can never be locked into small hamster wheels, we'll always find a way out. Do I see our society we live in now as flawed? Yes. But I wish to change it, not do away with it.

My preferred definition of anarchy is life without bosses. In this way, unlike what you say, we are then all equal. If there are no bosses, no one can be bossed around. With no slave masters, everyone is free.

Thoughts?

Hope.

2008-07-10T01:39:00.002-04:00

I leave you tonight with maybe a little more hope than I had about people than before.

Courage.

2008-07-10T00:43:00.002-04:00

What is it? I read a short story by Tolstoy today, that raised that question.
Per Wikipedia:
"Courage, also known as bravery, will, intrepidity, and fortitude, is the ability to confront fear, pain, risk/danger, uncertainty, or intimidation. "

It's one of those things that a lot of people have made quotes about through the years.
Churchill said: "Courage is going from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm."
Aristotle said: "Moral excellence comes about as a result of habit. We become just by doing just acts, temperate by doing temperate acts, brave by doing brave acts."

So, what is courage? Whatever it is, can I be defined as it?

Certain courage must be a good quality. Technical definitions aside, I think Churchill doesn't have it all right. I know people who really like his quotes, but to me they are soundbytes that held England together in war, and not nessesarily purely philosophical. Aristotle's point was that courage is a verb and you can only be courageous if you perform courageous acts.

Which to me is a big gray area. By thinking in contrary to popular views held by my peers, am I not courageous? Surely, in some scary time, thought itself may be courageous. So maybe thought isn't enough, for now.

When I think courageous, you normally think of you know, a man running through a hail of bullets to complete his mission. Yeah, it's defitely courageous, but I think we'd be wrong to stop courage at a purely physical level.

If I had to pick one person who I thought was the most courageous, I'd pick Martin Luther King, I think... Maybe to be continued.

pitfalls of objectivism

2008-07-08T02:40:00.001-04:00

(So posting a body is nice. enter should take you down here. oh well)

I read part of "Anthem" by Ayn Rand the other day. She's known for her belief in objectivism, which is totally free business operation and ownership. I didn't like it and stopped a bit into it because I figured out what she was doing, which was knocking collectivism by associating it with fascism, which just isn't true, and I couldn't stand it.

Why is objectivism evil in my eyes? Well, because I'm the object being used right now. Working alone, for less money at the end of the week, to profit my bigger brother, who spits upon my best interest. Who will crush me if I dare speak. What sort of freedom, what sort of happiness is that?

And maybe absolute collectivism isn't best. Communism doesn't work. But at the same time, there's got to be a more fair way of doing things.

I'm just tired of it. The grind. The race.

Trying to scurry up the maze.

I'm just going to try to enjoy where I am.

Personal observations from playing with fire

2008-07-06T01:32:00.002-04:00

It seems to always happen, in a way. After I swear it off forever. After I say that it's all a silly idea. All a silly mess. Very much hopeless.

(I pause, laugh at memories of the video where george bush stumbles through a "fool me once" metaphor)

But I let it happen again. I let myself hear their songs. I took those famous three words seriously.

But now it's just your disaster set to my music on some awkward morning.

And hopefully I've finally figured out how to use a fire extinguisher.

Lullabye

2008-07-03T23:28:00.002-04:00

This blog has changed ideas a bit. So, in the interest of changing more, here's a bit of the novel "Lullabye" by Palahniuk that I enjoyed-

"What I'm talking about is free will. Do we have it, or does God dictate and script everything we do and say and want? Do we have free will, or do the mass media and our culture control us, our desires and actions, from the moment we're born? Do I have it, or is my mind under the control of Helen's spell?"

Respect the Irish vote

2008-06-22T23:14:00.000-04:00

No means no, as they say...

Appeasement is an atrocity

2008-06-11T23:58:00.002-04:00

Theory #4: Appeasement is an atrocity.

This person comes into my work today. He asks for a chocolate cone with chocolate sprinkles. My boss gives him one. But he looks shocked and says "Oh, I wanted vanilla". Oh.

My manager appeases him. Throws the perfectly good cone away, gets him a new one. Afterwards, he laments about how much he dislikes his job sometimes. You see, appeasement isn't fun.

Yet, we're all obligated. An endless cycle of appeasement exists in the world. But what we feel isn't always real. [theory 4.1- What we feel isn't always real.] What we feel towards obligation is what we perceive. If my manager would have loved to tell the guy to just fuck off. He should have told the guy to fuck off. But we're obligated by these stupid societal expectations.

That we walk in line. That we appease those who are in a better position than us. [theory 4.2- You don't know where you are until your at the bottom, serving everyone.] [theory 4.3- no one knows where they are.]

That we don't ask questions. That we accept things the way they are. That those who are unfortunate have to make those higher on the totem happy. But this shouldn't be the case. Happiness isn't for the rich. For the bosses. For the CEOs and corporate big wigs. For oil traders.

For all.

Support the strikers.

There is a light.

2008-06-09T01:28:00.003-04:00

I'm in a funk.

Not a bad funk. Not totally bad. Somewhat weird.

Normal distractions do nothing for me anymore. No more silly online games to occupy my time. Forums have lost their luster. I don't want to do these things anymore, simply.

Yet, I'm still me. I'm still as anti-social as ever. Still as shut in as ever.

But, I feel like myself.

I am. I exist. I'm not happy, but that's okay. Good even. If I were happy, I wouldn't want to change things. But change is good. Change is nessesary. Things are going to shit, in general, and in some ways, in my life, but that's okay. They're going to be changed until I am happy. And if I never find happiness, maybe there's a satisfaction in attempting to change things. I think I mentioned that.

It's how I feel. It's how I am. I'm not compromising anymore. This is me. I'm not going to shy away from it.

It could be anything

2008-06-06T00:28:00.003-04:00

Theory #3: It could be anything.

I can do anything I want. I could be anyone I want. You can't tell me what I am. [theory 3.1: Only I can declare myself insane] These hands I have can move mountains. I can do something great.

I just finished reading "Choke". It blew me away. It breathed life into me.

It burst bubbles.

Today, I felt like I was going insane. The insessant drum beat of water dropping down my gutter on a clear day. The loneliness. The anxiety. Admitting that I am a boring kid afraid to take risks. [theory 3.2: I really am a boring kid who is afraid to take risks.] Choke helped me realize that, sure... these things are true, but that's okay.

I'm going to build something. Build something amazing. Build something that's totally pointless and no one in the right mind would give a fuck about. [theory 3.3: Story of my life?] It's not going to bring down the skyrocketing price of oil. It's not going to feed the starving masses. It's not going to discourage people from being consumed by suburbia. [theory 3.4: Everyone is being consumed by suburbia.]

It is going to be me.

The consumation paradox

2008-06-05T00:15:00.002-04:00

Theory 2- We are all consumers, and will be forever.

The day we stop consuming is the day we die. We'll continue to eat and breathe ourselves to our own deaths until then, if we're lucky.

The problem is, consuming is, by defintion, selfish. We're not breathing so a poor kid in africa will live the night. We're breathing because if we stop we'll die. And of course, death is always scary. [Theory 2.1- death is always scary]

So, of course I'm a hypocrite if I sneer at the faux person walking down the street with the gucci handbag and matching sunglasses. Of course I'm a hypocrite if I think all this consuming should end. [Theory 2.2- I'm a hypocrite]. So I think I stand more against excess than consumption.

Of course excess is a matter of relativity. Fat people eat a normal amount of food, in their eyes at least. [Theory 2.3- We're all relatively normal. everyone else is fucked up, right?] The rich don't spend much on the newest flatscreen HD TV. I'm excessive compared to a starving kid in Mexico. So what should we do?

I wish I knew.

The best people in the world are those who fail

2008-05-31T00:29:00.002-04:00

Thesis 1- The best people in the world are those who fail.

At the very least, at least they tried. At least they got in over their heads and swept away. Even if getting swept away is, in itself, dejecting and depressing.
[thesis 1.1- people who are dejected and depressed are the best people in the world.]

To fail is to try to pass. To try to pass is to do attempt the impossible. To do the impossible is to be great.

So then, what of the successful? Well, then, simply, what they attempted was possible. It wasn't a lost cause in a sea of confusion and darkness.[thesis 1.2- the world's society and culture is a sea of confusion and darkness] It was something they accomplished, and they can look back on in life and say that at least they got that done.

Hitler could say that, at least he was a good painter.

But great are the people who can't paint. Great are the people who try to do things impossible for themselves alone.

Though, what if they succeed and do something great? And what then? Shouldn't we try to do things great yet possible so they can be done?

In my experience, great things are rarely possible. The world will never be free. Peace is an illusion. Humans never have pure intentions, through no fault of the individual, but through a design flaw.[thesis 1.3- We are all deeply, deeply flawed.]

So, why don't we try for freedom and peace? Even if we fail, and are sucked away and wallow in morning for our lost freedom and peace, at least we know to miss it.

[thesis 1.4- We don't know what we are missing.]

and when you are not

2008-05-21T23:56:00.001-04:00

there is always.

God is an astronaut. He's trying to fly his way between starts to prevent the inevitable burn out and dispersal of all of the universe's mass. Prevent the explosion of black holes in a cold black sky of a world that fails to exist.

Someone called my name at work today. I looked about and there was no one there. It happened twice. Maybe there are too many Mikes in the world. Maybe my imagination is too stagnant at work.

The blue light is orange and I'm in the place with no darkness. This is 101 where I meet my demise.

On empty

2008-05-20T23:49:00.001-04:00

But captain, how can we make haste
if our tanks are on empty
and the crew is exhausted
and the seas toss us about.
How can we be?

Listing

2008-05-20T10:22:00.002-04:00

Captain, captain, we've developed a list.
the seas have sloshed into our ship
and are dragging it under.
And now, we've got no lifeboats

oh captain, captain

2008-05-20T01:13:00.003-04:00

the seas are at our bow
I reckon we'd be lucky to last the night
fear capsizing
swooping into a trough and never coming back up
runnin' aground on a rocky shoal

the seas be full of hazards.

return of the [homecooking](dread){incomplete}

2008-05-16T02:17:00.002-04:00

It's the chill. The people from distant memories. The whining of the ticker. The reminder that there still exists the one above who still wont hold doors for proles. The reason why I can never evereverever be free to be. Be what I feel. Be who I am. Just a ghost, wondering around softly and unannounced. Passing through this night.

A reminder regaurding suburbia. [No longer the frequency of the flashing red light] How utterly devastated things are without notice. {"Think gas is bad, go food shopping."} Even eight dollars is less than what I earned last year. Without doing the math. Ignoring all the useless figures about how much inflation has allegedly spiraled upwards. They can't tell us with a straight face.

Back to normal. Sweating grades while working a tedious job, staying up till 230 and writing because I've got no reason to wake up in the morning.

The number 2

2008-04-24T15:19:00.002-04:00

This entry is bought to you by the number 2
It's got everyone feeling quite blue
Much confusion
and much to do
is made over this number 2

2 are the things said. 2 things cannot be true. That causes us all to be quite blue.

Who are we, and what do we do? How can we have 2? Isn't your being just 1? Feel one way. Express one way. Be one way. Be true.

To change yourself is to be unhappy. Nothing brings happiness. Not love not money not success not fame. You bring happiness. In your small daily triumphs. In doing something great. In rainbows.

At least, everyone understands how you feel. It's best to leave the bottle open so it doesn't shatter.

Microphone Revolution

2008-04-16T00:34:00.002-04:00

It's time these microphones speak up.
Give feedback across the airways
Screeching the spread of Murdoch's poison
To a halt.

It's time these video cameras turn their gaze.
Towards the real story, the real scoop
To the ones suffereing silently
While money falls from Iraqi skies
Reaching their target and poofing into
A twisted mess of needless death and destruction.

It's time these papers write themselves true.
Time they report on the markets that are devastated
By an artificial rise in the price because we must
sew devastation
we must
have blood
we must
consume
we must make everyone pay more for everything
while the money, the ever so much more money
has to flow somewhere.

Into the pockets of Murdoch and Trump and Cheney
Into the extraction of more heat
Out of the mouths of the poor kids who can't afford rice anymore
Out of the goodness of the poor[in how so many different ways they are] people's hearts.

But they do as they're designed and programed.

Uncertain, Tired, Sure

2008-03-23T17:41:00.003-04:00

It rests in poorly encrypted, easily intercepted communications. (We knew they were coming to wake island) In supercomputers executing algorithms until it causes the world to collapse upon itself. Blue screen of death flickering on the moniter.

It's certainly wrong. I'm certainly Andross. It's certainly decided in the smoke filled back rooms.

But I sleep.

Weird Fishes

2008-03-18T01:30:00.003-04:00

Clueless. What am I (?/doing/thinking)? How could all this be true. I'm bigger than the world. I'm the smallest creature alive. A weird fish. Swimming in the ocean. Swimming far upstream, ritually. All I find there is the old, dead, and unborn. Bury myself. Someone will come along and pull me out. Someone must come along and pull me out. I must be the answer to something. I must be a piece of the puzzle.

But I am not, am I? I'm no larger than a speck of dust. Wondering the world and praying to be something more than I am right now. Something more than a shell, wringing my hands together and praying for warmth. But I'm not. I'm dust, to dust I'll return. The palms of peace will be burnt to make ash. I'm just far too consumed. Subliming into thin air. Not worth a thing anymore, that way.

[In the deepest ocean
The bottom of the sea
Your eyes
They turn me
Why should I stay here?
Why should I stay?

I'd be crazy not to follow
Follow where you lead
Your eyes
They turn me

Turn me on to phantoms
I follow to the edge of the earth
And fall off
Everybody leaves
If they get the chance
And this is my chance

I get eaten by the worms
Weird fishes
Get picked over by the worms
Weird fishes
Weird fishes
Weird fishes]

Like spinning plates (oh cruel dispair)[love is a lightswitch you can turn off and on]

2008-03-14T01:02:00.003-04:00

While you make pretty letters,
I'm being cut to shreds.
You feed me to the lion,
a delicate balance.

(How could this be? 'ave uttered it all.
One week in purgatory will cleanse you of it all)

[Love is a lightswitch I can turn off and on.
I can say all I want when I want.
I can bat my eyelids and pretend all is for naught.
And then, when alls said and done,
love is a lightswitch I can turn off.

Love is a lightswitch I can turn on when I want.
Pen sweet poems about endearing emotion
But, is it not fun to turn it off?
And write what I feel and claim it was nothing
Someone else had conspired to flick the switch off.

So gather round friends, and I will reveal
the secret revolving the switch.
Loud screams and great joy will follow
If only you turn the switch off. So,
friends, gather around, scream on the top of your lungs.
"Love is a lightswitch I can turn off and on!"]
If you'd prefer, you can scream any one of other things.

Viorar Vel Til Loftarsa

2008-03-08T00:06:00.002-05:00

[A good day for Airstrikes]

Strike an unknown chord. Flick the switch. This is the end of the beginning and you've got the end mapped already. No one gets intermissions. Buildups without a place to stand.

So, few of these have resolutions. We're all still dogs chasing our tails. So let's please, please stop chasing our tails. Look around and realize this is a shit idea, and we should really spend our time doing something other than chasing our tails. Let's draw and A over the student government advert. Let's speak our feelings. Let's never be held back.

But it's a dream. I'm a fool for the thought. I'm never going to follow through. Just sit here. And wait. And hope. And then lose that hope. And sit here more. And lose more hope. And... Derail this thought.

"But the best thing that God has ever created is a new day."

Story (never written)

2008-02-27T00:12:00.002-05:00

I was walking back from the library today. And feeling cliche. And thought this-

How would my story read, if I were to be dead? Should my moral be myself, clutching the last few dollars in my bank account that I haven't handed over to the multinationals plummeting from a tall place in protest of my existence? What is my existence? Just wake up, go to class, try to comprehend. Go to my dorm. Try to unwind. Hear about how I don't comprehend enough. Feel like a disappointment. Go the the library. Try to comprehend and realize I don't. Sink to this. I don't like it. It's not how I want to exist. But, do I really have a choice? My story seems like it's already written. I think the tale of my failed ambitions, disappointments, and collapse has already been laid out. It's just waiting on me to realize it.

And I can't change it. To break continuity creates a paradox. And those always come crashing down (so long as you're not talking about them in relation the the government or the banks. They've got plenty. But I suppose those will come crashing down too, with luck).

This is my story. It's never been written. It's already been told.

Like sardines in a crushed tin

2008-02-22T14:44:00.002-05:00

It still makes my heart sink every time.
It still drains a little bit of life every single time.
It makes me close up every single time.

No way out of this, now.

Less someone has a can opener.

Battle scars

2008-02-20T10:25:00.002-05:00

The plains are scared with
evidence of the battles taken place.
Craters and UXO lay scatered
left behind by retreating armies.

The walking wounded wince
at the sting of their injuries.
Shot by those who do not know
what they fight against.

Lo, peace may never enter into the valley
for it has seen too many horrors.
Too many shells sit unfired
and bombs unexploded.

So the inhabitants do still weep
for their sons who rest there.
Who may never again see
tranquility it the valley.

Cope

2008-02-19T00:25:00.001-05:00

Are coping mechanisms good or bad? Are they justifiable or am I a fool for allowing myself to maintain them?

I suppose this entry is quite bare. It's just a thought I had just now. And I can't decide which side of the fence to be on.

Silly

2008-02-18T01:09:00.002-05:00

It's silly. Am I that thick?

Of course the world is a cold, dead place. I've come to think that I was silly to think otherwise. Silly to think that something more is possible. Silly to dare dream of a better time in a better place.

It's not going to get better.

We're going to keep denying everything.
The earth is not getting warmer.
We're not going to run out of oil.
We are not the main source of hatred.
I am a sane, competent, desirable individual.

It's all rubish. It's all in the trash bag that's leaning on the dresser that I am throwing out right now.

Unbalanced.

2008-02-17T16:21:00.002-05:00

So, I have a bit of a dilema, of sorts, I think. I don't know how much I can invest in things. I have one heart, and can only love so much before the divisions of issues yank at it until it flies apart in an array of rediculous ideals and false hopes. So, what should I love? What can I love? Who can I love? It's a question I can't wrap my full mind around, and one I desperately want answered. I want to know if my ideals are really stupid or if they're not. If my hopes are even possibly true.

"Can you be any more of a slob?"

2008-02-15T00:15:00.002-05:00

Answer: Yes. I could be. But, I'm not a slob. To me, a slob is... well, that's a can of worms. That I should bite my tongue on.

Valentines day has always, for the most part, been sour. Today wasn't really an exception. More work. No brakes. And still, I find that most people are still unable to express true love. The type that's not self interested. The kind that doesn't suit themselves. The non-facetious version. That I have only found in dark valleys and stable mountains.

So, I march on to my birthday. No longer an immature teenager. But still feeling like I'm surrounded by them, by and large.

I will

2008-02-11T23:24:00.000-05:00

[radiohead song]

I should have bitten down on my tongue. No drama right? No. Not from me.

I mean, other people would let it slide too, I suppose. I can't ask too much from life.

I think that's today's moral. God gave me everything I asked for today, raised to the negative 1 power. I think maybe I get the point. I think maybe I see what he means.

I will __________________________________________.

There There

2008-02-10T13:45:00.000-05:00

Stuck in a landscape. Walking through the forest. Ignoring the roots that rise up underneath me to strike me as I sleep. Ignoring the snickering of rats and wolves. Trying to ignore "So what?". Wondering why everythingeverythingevereything is still so unrealized. I am one of my word. I didn't mind. It can happen again. Though, forgetting is difficult.

Crackwhores, crazies, and backwards

2008-02-07T23:45:00.000-05:00

Somewhere I missed the memo about "entertainers" using crack and having mental breakdowns are news. Do we have no conscious as a society? Does no one else realize that we are killing these people, that we are the very beasts driving them insane? Not only these people, but when do we realize we're creating the very phenomenon we're against in drug use and poverty. We are not helping ourselves, and worse yet, we seem to be against helping ourselves get out of this whole.

I think my current existence can be summed up in one word: Powerless.

Powerless to change the world. Powerless to even mention the fustration that causes, along with everything else I try at but eventually fall short. Powerless to critize. Can I critize? Am I right? Or is down the new up? Is immature the new mature? Is college the new high school? Do things ever change? Is change possible?

To the barricades indeed. I just wish there we're more trying to build them alongside of me.

control alt febuary 3rd

2008-02-03T17:00:00.000-05:00

I thought I'd throw a computer funny as the title today. I feel lame because of it. I appologize to all who may read that. It's probably not funny.

Superbowl sucks. It's been a rough day so many times in the past. I think, I resolve I should say, that next super bowl sunday, I am laying in bed and closing my ears.

"I do it to myself, I do, and that's what really hurts, I do it to myself, just me, me and no one else."

I'll stop looking over my shoulder when no one is looking over it. I'll stop disliking people once they stop being queen.

The revolution revolution

2008-01-25T17:53:00.000-05:00

Spinning still. [the sun may have exploded less than 8 minutes ago and who would know?]

At one time, the church still thought that the sun was the center of the universe. Everything spun around it. It wasn't until some very smart men came around and said... "This doesn't appear to be correct. At all." (and they took those men to room 101. Or fed them hemlock. Or something) Those guys were right. And this led to many, many breakthroughs that led to a lot of the things that let out lives be great (heh heh) today.

Why the history lesson? People say that we should learn and preserve history, less we're doomed to repeat it. And this track. Is on repeat. Every 5 minutes here.

Picture 8 billion snowglobes. Floating around earth. Some are large and beautiful. Others are cracked and broken. Everyone in their right place.

No one wishes to get out? No one looks outside of their snowglobes with sympathy or pity on the others? Just inwards. Always inwards. Forever inwards.

The car's on fire and there is no driver at the wheel...

2008-01-24T22:27:00.000-05:00

I've been having nightmares of incineration. Things have been catching on fire. A smoky cafeteria. An accidentally burning plastic bag. A burning TGIFs. Curiousity about the fifth slaughterhouse and firestorms. Perhaps not curiousity. Perhaps anxiety. Perhaps the thought of ultimate dread. [the cringing at the gory details]

Worse than this fractured social scene. The horrific sounds of houses splitting in half. Worse than sagging eyes and snapping jaws.

Perhaps not worse than the thought of yourself above others. Perhaps not worse than skewed perceptions.[self,others,world] Perhaps not worse than the way we treat each other.

I am happy, perhaps, but not glad. I no longer know which way is up. I am thinking that perhaps, I've fallen too far down the page. In the backseat of a life on fast forward. [differential equate to get the air resistance on my hand out of the window]

Fresh out

2008-01-12T09:30:00.000-05:00

I don't know. I feel angsty. But it's hard for me to express.

My parents laughed at my statement when I told them that I was staying here to study for my test monday. It's funny. Yeah. I am laughing my fucking ass off. I guess they are frest out of support for me or something. Or I am only around now to drain their bank account and babysit their kids.

It's got me in a great mood this weekend, can't you tell?

What's the worst that can happen?

2008-01-08T22:53:00.001-05:00

My views on the elections

2008-01-08T22:16:00.001-05:00

Disorder

2008-01-06T02:29:00.000-05:00

Man, not much over 20, walks into a deli. With no more than a bag full of merchandise. [out the backdoor, down the stairway, into no mans land] "Cologne" he says to the man behind the counter making minimum wage. It's from victorias secret, if I remember right. He hands it to the man, telling him to open it and smell it. The man has the gleam in his eyes. Such a luxury it would be. He may have thought of the old times, when life was hard. Now the kid is selling him cologne. But alas, it's not to be. He can't afford it. Relucently, he hands it back. The kid turns to me. As if I'd be interested. He moves on, without buying anything. Just a kid wielding a carrot in front of someone who may never get to it.

Videotape

2008-01-03T23:45:00.000-05:00

Hush up. Don't say a word about it. Talk only in doublespeak. Victims quick to come down with Stockholm Syndrome. Finger over your lips, they're behind you. Paranoia is reality.
He's born again, so he's got to be a good president. Never mind the way he speaks. Never mind the horrid ideas. {bible's inerrant, don'tchaknow?} [spinning away on videotape] One view is right, his. The man running for the position of the Presidency of the United States of America via the Republican ticket does not believe Darwin is correct, citing the bible as his only source. Huckabee will cause the toppling of America.

I resolve

2007-12-30T22:26:00.000-05:00

New years eve is tomorrow. This will be my last post of the year. Only fitting that it should be consisting of my resolutions to make this next year successful.

-to promote change.
-to resist the mechanisms of the machine. (by maybe not shoping at walmart anymore)
-to love unconditionally.
-to do better in school.
-to become a better person.
-to be less awkward.
-to kick the presidential candidates from the two major parties in the knees (figuratively)

Here's to a classy 2008. Just like 2007, but worse. At least, in terms of the regression of humanity into a self destructive, bickering race of beings.

Reckoner

2007-12-30T01:18:00.000-05:00

I'd forgotten how much I enjoy driving. I went out for a short time to find food after my nightly engaugements. I was sitting at a red light, and next to me pull up a couple, no older than me. It was kind of interesting to see. I mean, I'm not one to say I've never kissed someone at a red light... just not in a while. It made me think and look around. At the abbanddoned strip mall, at all the cars flying by. And think about how complex we are, as a civilazation and culture, yet, we still find the most satisfaction in the smallest of things. In late night romance at stoplights.
[Because we separate like
ripples on a blank shore
(in rainbows)]

It dug up memories. Of the trips to the Exxon from alpha to omega. Of basements and weeds and the best of it and the worst of it. A reminder of where I've been. Of where I want to go. Of where I never want to be again.

RIP democracy

2007-12-27T16:36:00.001-05:00

"It is difficult to see any glimmer of hope, peace, reconciliation in this country." -Spokesman of the vatican regaurding the murder of Bhutto, a democracy advocate in Pakistan. Although, it may as well be about America, or the west.

Ask the next person that talks to you who Bhutto is, or to find pakistan on a map. It's a horrible day. I only pray that sanity will win out in this battle with humanity.

These things you can't unlearn

2007-12-27T02:52:00.000-05:00

Can't unlearn not being able to get to sleep. Or unlearn to nudge the dog as he whimpers in his sleep. I suppose everything has their nightmares, even dogs. Unfortunate.

And it's only at night, too, that I am troubled. By all the rotten thoughts around my head. About past mistakes. About mistakes I haven't even made. About things I can't do anything about. About everything I don't know or I am unsure about. (which seems to be just about everything)

I think sleep is my ally. Sleep thinks I am it's enemy.