Bleak, Uncertain, Beautiful

So I returned a couple days ago. I've been too tired to post on here since. I dunno if tired is the right word. A lot has been on my mind, but I think sometimes it's too personal to put on here. Being helpless to stop some things is perhaps the worst feeling in the world.


I think that sums it up the most. I don't know what else to say.

Two plus two is still makes five.

So, I was asked a... maybe ironic? question at work today. One of the people I share my position with asks me "Have they cut your hours too?" I say... No, not really. I ask if she cut down her availability. "Well yeah, I only work tuesday-friday and sunday nights in x times"... Well. Now. Let's see. Cut availability. Trying to snag the good hours. Other people doing the same. Yeah, you're not going to work much. But here's where I start really getting enter-fucking-tained. I ask what happend to saturday night? "Well, my parents both work and I don't see them much..." Fuck. I have a fucking family too. I am sure they like seeing me on the weekends and want me to join in whatever their plans are on that particular weekend. I am sure I can change my availibility too. But I don't because I don't need to. It's not a necessity. But if I did, I certainly wouldn't complain about getting my hours cut. Fuck. Sorry. Shit pisses me off to no end. I close the place all weekend to hear this girl complain about her lack of hours? Please. I am going to stop now... I swear. It's done. Buried. Never to be excavated again.

On a lighter note... I will be relaxing the next few days, outside of contact of this humble web page and all other web pages around the world. I suppose my cell phone would be on, but really, why the fuck would you call me? Well... Some of you have reasons, and I encourage random phone calls.

Now to attract a phone book of more than 15... I'm pathetic, I think. At least in that aspect.

A really usefull engine...

Tis what Sir Tophamhat would tell his trains after doing something particularly cool. I'd know because I watched "Thomas the Tank Engine" religiously as a kid. When I first started saying I wanted to be an engineer when I was a kid, I really meant a train engineer. But I've gone this far...

So, why am I saying this? Well, I am sort of angered and fustrated at work. A lot of people fault socialism's tendency to promote laziness in the workplace. (The arguement goes: Why try hard when you get paid the same? I am not saying this is without merit.) But it sort of occurs in capitalism too. And I don't think it's just my workplace.

Now, I am about to come across as a pompous jackass. I know this. But I sort of... maybe pride isn't the best word, but I like to think that I try hard at work. I mean, I'm not perfect, not in the least, but I try to not cause problems or create more work for people. I try to be a nice guy. I show up when I am supposed to, do what I am told, get my money, life is good. But it feels empty.

Take today. Saturday night. Partay time for the other 4 kids friendly's employs at my position, and I am left working until midnight trying to clean up the place for the morning. I didn't do the greatest job ever, sorry whoever works tomorrow. But here's what angers me: Why are the other 4 peoples time worth more than mine? Why do they feel the need to arrange their schedule and availability so as to stick me with the worst possible hours while they soak up the easy time? I understand that the job sucks. Believe me, I do. I don't enjoy it any more than they do. But if you don't like it, quit. Don't insult my intelligence. I know the games you're playing, but I guess maybe I have it in my heart to help out my fellow workers. I know that if I called out tonight to go party with friends, I would have fucked all the waitresses over. They would've been making the same, or argueably less money, but doing more work that they aren't supposed to be doing.

I think they have come to the right conclusions. Some things money can't buy. Time is one of them. Avoiding stress is huge. But I think they're blind for failing to realize that their laziness and exploitation are harming others. I hope they are blind to it, because it'd make me vomit if they were doing this purposefully.

So, back to connect the dots. I conclude that this sort of stuff happens everywhere. Some workers know how to play the game and avoid work and create more for others. Other people feel bad and do it without complaining. It happens in Capitalism and Socialism. It's an unavoidable consequence of our material world telling kids you've got to fucking party like a rockstar.

Notice to my generation: Your nights of joy inflict pain on others. I'm reverting back to my original posts against them material girls dressed up in their sweatshop rags and handbags. Look around at the pain in the world. Have a fucking heart and care. Or maybe you should look away. Ignorance is bliss right?

This fence.
around.
yr garden.
wont keep.
the sky.
from falling.

PS you let me down Celtic

Loosing to the MLS all stars. Bah. McGeady looked good though, get 'em bhoy. Ireland's gonna qualify for Euro. I am calling it now.

This Road Leads Where It's Lead

Apparently I have a fan at work in the form of district manager guy, who seemed oddly eager to promote me to cook/train me on grill. It was sort of weird. I'm a 19 year old college student. I guess maybe he thought I'd stay for longer than a couple months or something. It was awkward. I mean, I take working seriously, like, I feel horrid if I slack off a great amount or if I'm significantly late or something. I guess maybe I sort of come off as mature? I don't know. I didn't like it much. I am happy with what I am doing I suppose. I don't want more responsibility at work. I just want a quiet job that doesn't require me to stress myself.

Not saying work isn't stressful or tiring. I'm beat. And working the next 3 nights. And really not looking forward to that. I don't see why I do it to myself. I mean, I don't know why I feel loyalty to the people who like, are obviously playing the schedule game better than I. I don't know. I guess I am due to get a couple days off and go down the shore with my family. Hopefully that turns out OK.

The more the summer progresses the worse it gets. Nothing horrific, it just seems to be degenerating from something that seemed so hopefully into the same old shite that I always have to deal with. I do it to myself, I do. That's what really hurts.

Goodbye Desolate Railyard

So, I was thinking before, that maybe I am sort of too tough on people in my head. Maybe like, I expect too much from them, I mean. Like, I do think there are tons of issues that need addressing in the world, and I think that our culture could use a bit less apathy, but maybe I should consider that there's also a lot of shit going on. Not everyone really has time to contemplate all that's going on in the world. There's too much personal tragedy. Much too much. I mean, I don't know if I've ever posted my views on divorce on this space, but for a long time I've held the view that our astronomic divorce rate is really kind of horrific. I mean, over half of the kids in America are put in a really awkward family situation where they've got you know, biological fathers and step fathers and step syblings and it's like... I could see why it'd be really stressful. And I could see why these kids are you know, torn up. How can I expect them to care about others when no one's really looking out and caring for them? It's all a consequence of this culture we've got here. I guess I am really fortunate to have no real personal horrors going on in my life. I mean, I'm single, but I don't care as much as I used to. My family is a bit odd, and I don't quite enjoy the situation sometimes, but it's not driving me nuts. So I guess I'll just sit here, type my feelings on large issues like my opinion matters, and you know, try to be a nice guy.

Speaking of large issues, I think you've got to read this:

GENEVA (AFP) - Conditions for children in Iraq have deteriorated sharply in recent years as their humanitarian plight has fallen largely into neglect, a senior UNICEF official said Monday.

"I have no doubt whatsoever that the condition today is much worse," Dan Toole, acting deputy executive director of the UN Children's Fund, told journalists after being asked for a comparison with the situation under Saddam Hussein's regime.

"Children who have had to flee Iraq -- and millions have fled -- are much worse off than a year ago and they certainly are much worse off than they were three years ago," he added.

Toole said there were signs that the health and nutrition for Iraqi children was "changing for the worst", despite recently released two-year-old indicators that had shown signs of an improvement.

UNICEF said the information gleaned from people leaving Iraq, and from the agency's "quite limited" access within the country, indicated that the number of female-headed households has increased "dramatically" because mostly men have been killed in the violence there.

"Many of those women are too frightened to bring their children to health clinics, many are too frightened to send their children to school," he added

Only two-thirds of Iraqis have access to clean water, according to UNICEF.

"My concern is that the focus on Iraq is on the political situation, the security situation, it is not on the lives of Iraqis living day in, day out, with deprivation, with lack of food, with lack of medical supplies," he said.

"That says something about the attention of the world, the attention of our leaders," Toole added, urging a greater focus on the impact on children.

UNICEF says its aid programmes for children in Iraq have only received about one-third of the funding they need.

12-28-99

Feel a bit better today. I read through Chomsky's "Media Control", which made me feel a bit less crazy. It was a good read, kinda short, but it gets it's point across. If you want it let me know. It's scary, but it's very correct on a lot of issues, and it should really be read by all. I guess I'll talk more about it down the line, but for now I am sleeping.

These things you can't unlearn

So, I guess my optimistic mood was short lived. Things are beginning to wear on me. I woke up at 7am today for work, worked till like 3 (albiet with an or so hour break), but today I was just sucking a lemon all day. Everything that people could possibly do to annoy me, it seemed like they did. I am stuck working 5-11 tomorrow, a day that was supposed to be a day off. I could've really used it. I also had to jump through some rediculous "health" hula hoops. Srsly, like, do I really have to sanitize the bag of soft serve before I empty the said contents into the tank? The bag isn't going into the mix or anything. I don't get it. It's all a bunch of corporate procedure bullshit that the district manager felt like making me do. He had a horrible attitude towards us proles.(1) We are people. When I obviously go out of my way to hold the door for you, it's nice to say thanks, or atleast acknowledge that I exist and I did something nice for you. But you had to be a cunt, just walk on by with your fucking cheap pen you fucking take from Commerce Bank and the sandwich you probably didn't pay for. Meanwhile, we've gotta for our drinks now. I know it wasn't Ray's innitiative. Tim wouldn't do it. It's you, you corporate bastard. Take more from us. Deny the waitresses who make something stupid like $3 an hour from you the right to socialize with each other. Sleep well, take the bigger bonus you get from my drinks and buy a six pack to help you sleep with your conscience at night, if you even have one. I am a person. I get thirsty, and I like talking to people once in a while. I exist. You choose to not see me though. I live, I breathe, I enjoy the same things as you. I have not done anything to you, so why do you insist on acting like I should be your little yes man?

I am sorry if you read all that. I don't know. As I said, I got put into a bad mood. I guess it's better to get angry at an unread webpage than it is to get angry in person.

I guess it's all just a reality check. I guess I can't keep believing that people are decent sometimes. I can't believe that I can ever be happy at this point in my life. I guess it's just one of those times where you just grin and bear it and keep in mind that I am done with this in a month.

(1) Proles: Common workers. Tis an Orwellian term. And yes, I did use a footnote in my blog today. I guess it would make my past english teachers happy. Haha.

In Mind

"When you die, you'll have to leave them all behind. You should keep that in mind. When you keep that in mind, you'll find a love as big as the sky." Ironically, one of my favorite wordless band penned this to be the first thing they sung on a record. I think it's an amazing quote. I think it makes a bit of sense. I think I'm no longer going to keep chasing phantom relationships. Yeah, a girlfriend would be nice, but like, I think it's unwise to go nuts over it. There are a bunch of things that make me plenty happy. I mean, I can live in the past, or get stuck worrying about the future, but I can also live for right now and enjoy what I have and be alive.

Subterrainian Homesick Alien

Long day. Really long. After work was brutal. Generally drained. Wish I had something more substantial to say. I don't know.