X - Ray

I can see through it.
cardboard walls and matchstick frame.
The haunt and illusion.

Your aura of perfection.
Does not illuminate the room.
Your extravagance will rust.

All that is great.
Is consumed by the wolves.
Leaving skeletons to bury themselves.

un

I could cry for this youth that I've lost.
For the extra pounds that I've gained.

For the opportunities that have past me by.
For the anxiety that's kept me still.

For the people I wish I treated better.
For the friends I could have made.

For this problem that I will never solve.
For all I have to live with.

Perge in place

Sometimes I feel like I'm going nowhere. Sort of that "no way is up" - "no way to win" situations, you know? I can't make a decision, at this stage of my life, that does not hurt someone else. That's an absolute truth. I cannot make everyone happy. I can't even make myself happy. I don't even know how to make myself happy. I've never found anything that made me happy.

Everything I've ever believed in has gone away or proven itself to be a lie or something. I've done a lot I am not proud of. I don't think I'm anything special. I wish I didn't know everything I know.

I don't see the point of me.

What would you do if you saw spaceships over Glasgow?

What is all this for?

Life, all this shit you know. Why do miners have to put up with terrible working conditions? Why do soldiers have to go to war?

Does this cycle benefit us?

What am I going to do with myself?

Distant

Feel cut off.

Desert island.

Everyone on ships wave as they pass.

Stomach hurts because I ate too much.. I've become a glutton. No self control. Do whatever feels good with no tomorrow. Bad.

I guess I was never right before.

But I feel stuck in reverse.

Goods and services

Selling now, all time lows. buy buy. turn of the century is ancient history, stupid people doing stupid things, yadayada. People will look back at me and call me a fool. Probably am fool.

It's 0130, olympics on mute. Empty-ish sink, though the battle of vegetable drain is not won. Many casualties along the way. General Sanity shot by sniper.

Coffee is the newest fad. Sushi is so last week.

I've got too many recyclables piled up.

I don't know what else I can say. That would change anything. Nothing I'd like to remember.

Not arisen yet.

Missed something

I think I've missed things over the years. Chances to make friends. Signs that I should change my life.

Missed the part where I was supposed to figure stuff out.

Missing a lot of what I'm supposed to be doing right now.

I've got no clue.

Show me the way to go home

I'm tired and I wanna go to bed.
I had a little drink 'bout an hour ago and it's gone right to my head.



I.
Don't.
Have.
Anything.
Else.
To.
Say.

Which way is up?

Something I wanted to remember

"The only difference between here and China is that here you speak and it doesn't matter. Over there you just don't say anything. It's the same result in the end" -Brian M.

Columbia

Big words and big ideas
soundin sane on the subway
We are just fascinating

One day we'll dress up,
we who are how we look,
and forget it all
cuz it's damn fascinating

Beginning of the End

I'm sort of melancholy recently. This is the end of sorts. No longer a kid. On my own.

Except not really on my own. People still expect things of me. Wife, kids, good job, all that. But I don't really desire these things. I hardly know what I want. I think I know what I don't want, which is a start. Sidetracked, right.

So it's my last semester of my last year of college. I've not done much I dreamed of. I did a lot I'm not proud of. I can't help but feeling like I failed. Like I didn't accomplish anything here. No revolution or anything, you know? Not even the start. I've not come out of my shell. I'm probably not such a great friend, etc.
(I'm starting to feel glad no one reads this much)

So, what now? I've done what was asked, what do I do now?

I guess I have to start looking.

Post christmas

Somehow, you never get what you really want.

In the past, I'd go into an anti-materialist rant, but I'd feel hypocritical if I did it today. Not because I found happiness in what I got, but because I took what I got with the normal, content smile. Maybe I was happy for a minute there.

Then again, I'm glad I got something. Glad I don't have nothing. Lucky kid, I am.

Lucky for no good reason.

That buzz you hear is a million little fires

Fortune 500 conglomorates.
Building caverns in the ground for expanses combustable liquides.
Monotone, but everyone's quiet.
'cuz they got the money that we all want.

A nice donation here.
A kind word there.
Pictures for their brochures.
Public relation cloud #9.

Just go along.
Wear you're nicest shirt and khakis.
Pretend you belong.
Before you come to your senses.

Try not to worry about it too much.
There's no way that they're happy.
They can build caverns for oil.
But not happiness.

hi-atus

Once upon a time, I thought I was past this. I was done, never to return. A symbol of my teenage past. Heirlooms, like all the bullshit in my room back home from high school, on a shelf gathering dust. Revisit when I'm 40 and in the midst of a nasty mid life crisis.

I'm back again for some reason.

Typing stuff that's nonsensical.

Annoyed at the priorities at hand. Running from the truth. That sort of thing. Again.

Whatever.

Meaning.

What is it that I mean again? Alone, my own definition's worthless.

Try to define myself in a way that's evident in how I live my life.

Whatever that's supposed to mean.

Step 1: Disconnect

Internet is mostly bullshit anyway. Forums are a poor replacement for the real thing.

But I have to see who is on facebook. That person I haven't seen in years. Some girl I knew in grammar school and was never really friends with. The people who you know but don't really give a fuck. Fuck that. Why do I need it? What positive effect is it to my life? Some false sense that I have hundreds of friends?

No reason to spend my life here. Try to get out and do something positive, or something. What I've been saying for years.

tea and two slices

On the bright side, I'm not actually poor.

If I was really poor, I wouldn't have a place to sleep or anything. I'm only poor on paper, with it's red ink and compounding interest. Standard highway robbery no one can touch.

I'm not poor because I don't look or dress like it. Middle class to the ultimate degree.

Maybe I should. Stop buying shit I don't need. In more than one way.

Last Light

Anvils in the sky
white and grey with anger
Last light of the sun
beaming to the top of our towers

Water suspended in the sky
updrafts of pressure
sequenced through time
until we make it to the ocean.

69th street blues

Not a prince or a king
don't own a thing
besides this soaked sweatshirt
and the shoes on my feet

No posh cafes by candlelight
at midnight
no polite doorman
just a nosy fat policeman

All I got is this st pauli pen
stolen paper
this lousy idea that
I don't know why I'm writing down

And the 69th street blues.

not going to take your shit

I don't need to take yr shit no more
I'm set free and I'm running
I don't care that you can't hear me
Mail the check I'm not coming back

I've listened too long so now
I'm acting
I've not been happy
I'm not here
Replaceable cog that's gone
much too long without oil

I can't stay cuz of your shit
So I'm not going to take it anymore.