It's Natural to be Afraid

So no one offering employment has called me yet. I am beginning to seriously wonder if there is something wrong with me. I mean, as my dad pointed out, getting these jobs are often connected with not what you know but who you know. I find that to just be like... crushing. I don't understand why this horrible burden is placed on me. It's getting to be just draining.

It's hot out tonight and for some reason the dogs in my room. I'm so not sleeping well. I'll toss in turn in fear that all my problems and struggles will never be alliviated. I'll sweat and be forced to smell the stench that is my dog. I'll worry about anything that can hurt me. The sun will rise, the birds will chirp, and I'll be lucky to wake up at noon.

TV! Sing Me to Sleep

So. Yeah. Too lazy and such to post recently much? Yeah. But my mind has not been becoming mush. This rant should be a longish one, I think, but we'll see how it ends up.

So, I've been searching for a summer job for the past oh, 2 weeks now or so. I've probably put in 6 or 7 applications to different stores. Places you know, I honestly wouldn't mind working at. Borders would be right up my alley. Even last years summer job at BJs wasn't too bad. Even applied at A&P and some other silly chain grocery stores. I don't know what it is about me. Maybe I guess summer help just isn't desirable. I mean, I sorta understand. Why bother training and getting to know someone if you know he's going to leave after like, a few months. But the whole process has been just, wearing on me. Having my parents breathe down my neck over it doesn't help. It's given me a pretty worthless feeling.

I was sitting in Wendy's the other day, after being rejected from BJs, just sitting there having a cheeseburger and one of those frosty float things (which are sort of stellar, I may add), when I was looking over this little contest advert they had on the tables. It had one of the most true statments I've seen in a long time. It read "Many will enter, few will win." Everyone in life tries to attain some sort of happiness, normally through attaining some ammount of relative wealth. Everyone knows the wealthy run the world, they're the ones who appear in the news and have thier own TV shows and get interviewed on stupid 24 hour news channels. They get thier pictures taken and plastered all over those gossip rags. Most everyone wants it. But I'm beginning to think it's all a farse, ya know? Like, that it's just an illusion. That, like that promotion Wendy's is running, no one ever wins. I don't really think that's too good. I think it's quite shitty, actually. I wish it kinda got changed.

The G8 [for the non-aware, the G8 is the anual conference where the 8 leader's of the world's most "powerful" contries meet to discuss stuff and restart cold wars or something] is meeting this weekend in Germany. They're going to discuss such gripping things such as global warming, the new American missle defence system being built in Europe, and how to fuck over Africa and the rest of the 3rd world some more while pretending to be taking action. All this without input from, you know, the other hundred something countries in the world, or the UN or anything. Just rich big boy business. As you may be able to tell through my tone in this paragraph, I don't really support it. I admire the people in Europe who go to these rallies and protests, and wish them the best. Hopefully things don't get too messy outside the event.

We already know things inside the event are a total mess.

Have you passed through this night?

Some things give me hope. Some things worry me. Some things seem hopeless. I suppose that sums up my day. Ironically, I think that sums up everyday and I just put up a post here for the sake of posting. I don't know. I guess nothing I am thinking about right now is too groundbreaking. Instead I am just up later than I hoped thinking about nothing and worrying about everything.

Harrowdown Hill

So exams are over. And I am home. Today I spent the day sleeping and still managing to feel crappy. So far my grades aren't disasterous. They aren't bad, but apparently not what people want. Sometimes I feel like my best isn't enough. I mean, maybe I haven't been you know, spending my life studying, but I don't know how much is expected of me. I guess I have the rest of my relaxing (ha ha ha) summer to contemplate my life. Or working like a slave and being alone and unappreciated and any other possible negative adjective a parent can think about thier son while holding thier daughter on a pedistal and giving her everything. But I digress. Greatly. Sorry.

So my hiatus was caused by finals, and I appologize for that.

I think this site is going to be loaded with a lot of my fustrations in the coming months. Fun stuff right, I mean reading my bitching? Everyone loves that. I guess I'll try to keep it relevant to all. Attempt to or something. If I don't implode somewhere.

No Surprises

Really tired. Getting depressed and dishearted with the current school situation. Some things really don't seem fair. But I can deal. Just have to worry about owning my finals. Hopefully can finish my paper tomorrow, we'll see though.

Blind Blind Blind

"This song is about drinking with friends. If you don't drink and have friends, then there things you can do with friends that are much better than drink. If you drink and don't have friends then you should probably stop drinking. If you drink and have friends... then drinking with friends is a good thing."

I think I fall somewhere in part 2 of that little story.

I got some work done. Not nearly enough. Going to not sleep tomorrow it looks like, for the first time in my college career. Sounds like fun.

Histories repeating as one thousand hearts mend

Well, yeah I've become a little lazy/busy/uninspired lately. Mayday has come and gone. Nothing's changed yet. But I don't know. One thought at a time, Mike.

I've got to do the bulk of an eight page paper this weekend on the topic of my choice. I decided to do it on why I despise walmart. It'll be posted up on here upon it's completion, perhaps. It may bore you, but it's something I actually care about, sort of. Unwillingly.

An odd thing happend yesterday. I was chilling out listening to music, mind you I wear the large, noise cancelling type so it's pretty hard to hear outside noise, but I hear someone fucking wailing on the door. So I get up and answer it, cuz that's what you do to doors. So, anyway, I open it and there are these two girls there. And the moment they see me they break out in laughter. Mind you, I am sort of familiar with one of these girls, so I'm kind of purplexed. I mean, I know they aren't looking for me, so they ask for one of the dudes next door, who comes out shirtless (>.>) with a sly smirk on his face. Now, I mean, I don't know the whole story, but it didn't exactly seem like it was something done with the purest intentions. I don't know. I overanalyse things. It's a fucking tiny thing, but it's the only out of the ordinary thing that's happend to me the past few days. I'm sort of shutting myself out more and more. I am just... I don't know how many people I can trust anymore. I don't know which hearts are true. I don't know anymore. I'm convinced I am slowly being driven nuts.