incompliant/fill in/wrong way

So so so... Rough. Long day. Too much thought. Not enough... work. If I can call it work. If I knew what I was doing I'd call it work. I don't have a clue. If'n I get through this, I could do anything, yeah? That's what's said. I'm beginning to think that's a very horrible rationalization.

SO I've resorted to just... Not doing this anymore. Not now, not tonight. Sorry to disappoint, teachers who demand of me. I'm just not as smart as you. Or as smart as most of my classmates. Why stop there. I'm not smart. I'm just a product of a good education because I was lucky enough to be born in this country. There's a brilliant African kid. Smarter than me. Starving cuz he wasn't born in the right place. He deserves to be here, and I should be finding something great to do with my life, instead of spending it in this great institution for... What's this institution doing? Are we supposed to be learning life lessons, or something? Is this a giant test to prove to everyone else that I'm, like... tough or something? I. Don't. See. The. Logic.

All that's said about me is mostly true. I'm this... faux intellectual pretending I've got stuff figured out in this place that few read. I'm not that smart, says the SAT. I'm a failure, according to the school. I don't think, I don't hear, anyone saying much else, I suppose. I guess that's not bad. No one's calling me a scum bag or anything, that's a plus.

I guess there's a positive in every negative, or something.

happiness/attics/recycled

Am I there yet? Am I there yet? Am I there yet?

There's a reset button somewhere. So I can be not so lethargic and uninspired. A way to find some sort of meaning. A way to be destroyed and broken down in order to be something useful.

Just a happiness addict, jonesin' for the next source of happiness I can suck dry for my vane self interest.

Longdays/undoing/taunt

Going home is a bad idea. I never get school work done at home. Never. I can't. I came back to school, but by the time I got here, it wasn't really a great time to start doing work. So I'm canning it all for tomorrow. Er, the whole week, it seems. It'll take a while to do it all. It'll take forever.

I don't have forever to feel alive. I have until this next second to be happy. Otherwise, I'm just sitting here being emo. I don't have time for that. I could get hit by a bus in the morning. I could fail to wake up. So I'm not going to go to bed worried about school. I have better things to worry about.

Like regrets.
Like being mortal.

Part of me wishes I could just rake leaves all day.

Is it edible/will it kill me/amifree

Play and read?


3rd year of eating crappy food. In procrastination for a test tomorrow in which I have no idea what I'm going to be tested on, I researched the company that provides food for our school cafeterias. It serves food in prisions and military bases, though it wont tell you the first one on it's website. No one is proud of feeding the perceived lower class, but they'll do it anyway because they probably send dump trucks of money your way. It's a multinational corporation. The fucking Walmart of food services. I've come to the conclusion that almost none of it is nutritious in any way. Nothing good is coming to us out of it. Just dump trucks of money heading to an executive somewhere.

Obama won. We're still here. We're not saved. I dunno. I don't feel more free. Maybe I'm a pessimist. I don't see the light at the end of this tunnel.

I am the key to the lock in your house...

Odd past couple of days. This whole "election" bit is starting to get to me. The school newspaper, the other day, put out an issue, featuring the two "candidates" and offering full polling results and articles offering the pros and cons of the candidates. Faculty to discuss women voting more. Funny statistics, obviously inflated by kids thinking that they have to answer a certain way to look good. To look like they give a shit. To look like they want to change the world.

83% was the figure. 83% of the kids polled were going to vote. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. The national rate is something like 50%, and that's with people at their homes at night. At school? Forget about it. Like kids went through the trouble of absentee balloting. The truth is, these kids know what's really going on. They do. They know that their vote is meaningless. That, no matter what they say, the world isn't going to change with McCain or Obama in office. Not for the better, in any case. They know it doesn't really matter. Yet the college rag keeps saying they should vote if they care about things to come, and the fucking peace people hold debate parties and vote now concerts and shit. Like fucking Barack Obama is going to bring peace to the world. HERE'S A NEWS FLASH. IT'S IN CAPS, YOU CAN'T MISS IT. HE'S WANTS TO GO INTO PAKISTAN AND BLOW UP SCHOOLS BECAUSE SOME GUY HAS A FRIEND WHO SAYS IT'S A TERRORIST TRAINING CAMP. HE WANTS MORE TROOPS IN AFGHANISTAN! THAT IS NOT PEACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You know this. You do. Yet, you have to show that you care, right? That, sure Obama wont bring peace, but McCain will bring less peace so you should vote for the lesser of two evils.

I do not know about you, but I wont accept this. I deserve better than this. I will not endorse a man who is going to blow up a more buildings in the name of my "safety."

I will speak to the contrary.

Reminder.

A person from my graduating class in high school died the other day. Apparently something alcohol related, from what I gather. Horrible. It's hard to answer why. Death seems so unnecessary, especially in someone so young. Just because he wanted to have fun. Because no one's found the better way yet.

It's terribly demotivating. Why continue to grind myself in the bone and do well in school? It's not going to make me happier. It's going to have the opposite effect.

I'm off to continue trying to find the point.

past impressions/present problems/future uncertainty.

It's been a while. A few weeks. Maybe couple of weeks I suppose, to be accurate.


I've been busy. Had a few tests. No disasters yet. Hanging in there, hanging in there fine, let's hope that stays the same.

I get the impression that these days are sick. I get the impression that all candidates for president do not have a clue about what they're talking about. I get the impression that people aren't going along with this race because they think they're guy's got the best ideas for the future.

Politics isn't about the ideas anymore. It's not about the theory. It's not about the practice. It's not about the results.

It's about the naive hope that people hold in their candidates. Vote Obama, he'll bring peace. Vote McCain, our economy will be uber and plumbers can save for their own businesses. [small businesses, ha ha. Like they'll be around much longer]

If it were about the results, we would've demanded Bush's impeachment for his failures in the lead up to the Iraq war. Would've demanded he were held responsible for the failed policies he dictated to America without giving the citizens a choice to disprove. If we could recall a president, we'd be past this whole thing already...


Present. I have homework that I should get done for tomorrow that I will not finish tonight. I wish I could type "Oh well" and not feel bad. I suppose it's his fault, partially for confusing everyone on the due dates of all this. I think it's probably more vital that I take my time and learn the material. Yeah... Other than that, problems are small, and are mostly with myself. I'll get on it.


Future is coming. Halloween in a week or two. Thanksgiving the month after. Christmas after that. I get the feeling, the funny feeling, that it's not going to contain any particular magic.

I can't help but realize that it's not going to be that merry of a Christmas for a lot of people around the world.