I resolve

New years eve is tomorrow. This will be my last post of the year. Only fitting that it should be consisting of my resolutions to make this next year successful.

-to promote change.
-to resist the mechanisms of the machine. (by maybe not shoping at walmart anymore)
-to love unconditionally.
-to do better in school.
-to become a better person.
-to be less awkward.
-to kick the presidential candidates from the two major parties in the knees (figuratively)

Here's to a classy 2008. Just like 2007, but worse. At least, in terms of the regression of humanity into a self destructive, bickering race of beings.

Reckoner

I'd forgotten how much I enjoy driving. I went out for a short time to find food after my nightly engaugements. I was sitting at a red light, and next to me pull up a couple, no older than me. It was kind of interesting to see. I mean, I'm not one to say I've never kissed someone at a red light... just not in a while. It made me think and look around. At the abbanddoned strip mall, at all the cars flying by. And think about how complex we are, as a civilazation and culture, yet, we still find the most satisfaction in the smallest of things. In late night romance at stoplights.
[Because we separate like
ripples on a blank shore
(in rainbows)]

It dug up memories. Of the trips to the Exxon from alpha to omega. Of basements and weeds and the best of it and the worst of it. A reminder of where I've been. Of where I want to go. Of where I never want to be again.

RIP democracy

"It is difficult to see any glimmer of hope, peace, reconciliation in this country." -Spokesman of the vatican regaurding the murder of Bhutto, a democracy advocate in Pakistan. Although, it may as well be about America, or the west.

Ask the next person that talks to you who Bhutto is, or to find pakistan on a map. It's a horrible day. I only pray that sanity will win out in this battle with humanity.

These things you can't unlearn

Can't unlearn not being able to get to sleep. Or unlearn to nudge the dog as he whimpers in his sleep. I suppose everything has their nightmares, even dogs. Unfortunate.

And it's only at night, too, that I am troubled. By all the rotten thoughts around my head. About past mistakes. About mistakes I haven't even made. About things I can't do anything about. About everything I don't know or I am unsure about. (which seems to be just about everything)

I think sleep is my ally. Sleep thinks I am it's enemy.

Fire Eye'd Boy

It's Christmas, officially. Jesus was born today. A person, who I think, helped bring love into the world. If not just for this day. So be a nice guy or girl, eh?

Here's to peace.

Cymbal Rush

[So, in case you've not picked it up, my titles are, for the most part, song titles. I've decided to include a quote from the song I picked, as a sort of pun in the paragraph, to sort of relate the song to what I'm writing about]

So, apparently the end of the year is a time to look back on what's happened in the past year. [...it's all boiling over...] I think I'll do it now. I probably wont feel like it any other time before new years. Maybe.

I suppose I should start personally. Well. What can I say? January consisted of being lazy around the house and trying to well up old memories. My birthday passed without significance. For the most part, the spring flew. I don't remember much of it, and I don't think I want to, either. I started this blog thing sometime in the spring. Back when I had a ton of time on my hands because I was lazy and my study/sleeping habits were worse than they are even now. I don't think I had nearly the social life I do now. Yet, I look back on things, and I don't remember being really too unhappy. Perhaps I've grown wiser for it.
The summer came next. The job hunt was excruciating, fustrating, and made me feel useless. The whole summer, actually, welled up a lot of anti-corporate angst. I remember wanting to punch the district manager in the face whenever I saw him. He wasn't a bad guy, but I think the whole experience, you know, the cutting of hours to keep the bottom line, without considering the repercussions for the employees, pushed me to develop a hatred of caring so much about the bottom line. Made me commit to always care about my employees, if I am ever a boss... I think the fall is too complex and recent to compile. I don't understand everything about it yet, but maybe I'll get back to it before the new year.

In the world: How do you think 2007 was? No different than 2006. More war. More death. More shootings. More fustration. A worse economy. You know, the continual belt conveying us off the edge of the cliff no one can see. I'd like to spend more time on this, but really, why waste my breath? If you want to discover what 2007 was about, take a while before bed, and force yourself to remember everything that you remember occurring. I garentee most of it will be bad, at least if you think on the world level.

I should stop writing like I'm damn depressed.

Paranoid Andriod

At a loss. Under an avalanche. Unable to say anything to anyone, without saying it backwards. Rubbing my face and listening to radiohead. Not feeling alive or liberated yet, as I would have hoped would have happened now that things are over at school. No, they have just begun. Saying such fucking cliches over and over and over and over. Horrible late night TV and music are the only ones keeping me company. Exchange pleasantries with the ghosts of the past. Hit rewind and replay thinking about the ghost of the present. Be troubled because there's no ghost of the future saying a word.

An old aquaintance today, pointed out the way the world is. How people are egotistical and such and don't change for the better. How no one will go the extra mile on major issues. He's younger, so I suppose I can't say he's only figuring things out now. But figuring things out he is. More so, then perhaps, the kids at the local bar. Another long, long story. that you've read before. That I need to get off of. That's never going to change because all I am ever going to do is type this and only 4 people, if that, are going to ever read it. And they're going to say, "Hey, cool" and I wont change the world and that'll be the end of it.

Huckaby will change the world, though, alright. He's got the "christian" right on his side. Tote your bibles, but only the parts that say ignore everyone not from america. That tell you to build fences and chant USAUSAUSA at people who want to be here like were fucking hot shit. Like we've got rights they don't have. Because we are um... we were born lucky. Someone asked me the other day, if I were a lucky guy. I think I said no, but I should have said yes. I'm a miserable, lucky guy. My daily life may get stuck with unlucky situations and misfortunes, but... I should stop complaining. It's unlucky, yes, but I am lucky that I can get unlucky.

Maybe one day I'll get lucky again.

Shadowplay

It's like playing the lotto. Put your name in the hat, too. Hope you get drawn. Hope salvation rests on the paper. Hope things aren't empty.

Pick up the habits.
Put your shades on.
Wear the clothes.
Pretend like no one's alive.
You're the only one.

Things are going to close in. Buy insurance policies. Bite your tongue, before the house falls. Before hatred comes because you feel.

Sweet surrender be true

fractured and frantic. pick the pieces up off the floor, no use there. Not feeling up to anything. Please quiet down, I'm trying to think. Trying to feel alive, relieved of all piled onto me. I've not done well on anything. My heart isn't hear anymore. I think it's gone. Not in a bus in alaska, not home, not close to this computer into which I type. It's peeling away like the banana sticker on my desk. It lacks adhesiveness to what I stick to. and yet, and yet, no one can ever make it the same. No one has glue. Press it back on, hope it sticks, one more day. Two more stapled together packets. Two more demoralizing defeats into the face of the one staring blankly at a book, instead of shouting about. Trained repeatedly to lack feeling. It's means nothing. We're hear to have a good time and be dust. [we can't be, can we?] To take care of ourselves at the brutal expense of others. No feelings involved. You can't have them. Sweet lies, do not be true.

Weird Fishies/Arpeggi

Swirling in a bowl. [plz don't tap the glass] There's no where to go to hide yourself from all that's around year. No way to react to anything you see. Just float, breathe, watch as everything flies by and tips a bit of food into your bowl.

This is my life in a fishbowl. I've got no arms or legs, just flippers and gills. I can't control what occurs in my life. Dragged downstream by the current towards an unknown, vast destiny that may or may not be enticing. Either way, it looks like I'm going to have to keep heading towards it. No way back, now.

Anything for now

"...Next and last stop. This train is going into storage. Everyone must exit the train..."
I wondered downtown today. To go christmas shopping, was the excuse. To get away from my situation is the reason. Get away from the air guitar and random shouts and final examinations. Into the world of fallen merchandise, illicit holes in the wall, and swanky cafes. Into the world of marble floors, the little security guard with the electric menorah on the desk, besides the perfect christmas tree. Can't touch what comes through the door. Can't stay there too long, either...

Life in a glass house

Here you go sire. Finest wine on the silverest platter. 1 mole thick. You're the greatest, only you. Finest resturants and social gatherings make you a great guy. The money in your pocket makes you complete. Everyone after what you've got. Connections to the moon. Yet you're not happy. Step outside in the rain.

Dead at 19

Michael Keaveney died at 2AM this morning. He leaves behind a body and a persona known as "guy". His death was the end of a long and unsucessfull battle with faulty wiring, paranoia, and expectations. He'd never been quite right. Always confused and scared as he lay awake. Wondering why no one was ever ever ever there. Phantoms of himself arose to point and prod at every mistake he's ever made. Many, many phantoms. Meanwhile, Ann Coulter pukes up her dinner. Meanwhile, Bush sleeps soundly. Meanwhile, someone's really dieing, never to see the rising of this sun. Meanwhile, the bar across the way dance to stupidly loud dance music and inhale death.

All this time, he couldn't chase away what he's done. His beliefs, his hopes, his faith in humanity and the goodness/unselfishness of people died. He was 19 years old. He leaves behind a shell named guy, who continues on to work a 9-5 and never hope or dream or trust again.

Set fire to flames

I used to think that only anarchists and revolutionaries liked burning things. That theory, however, was just proven wrong in the bathroom. The conservatives of the world once again showed their poor judgment and burned an informational sign. [maybe the sign was too blunt and vulgar, put perhaps it got it's point across] In an enclosed bathroom. In a tinderbox full of drunk kids who may or may not wake up with the fire alarm. Very wise choice. I suppose, though, he was keeping in line with the practice of not negotiating with terrorists. [by terrorist, they mean everyone who isn't a flag waving republican]

There's nothing I like more than smelling something horrid burning. I'm going to say something. I have to say something. I've got too much anger, lately, to not say anything. Everything has been grating, in one way or another. Everything has been wrong. It's horrible. I'll report back after the mission is complete, maybe.

Mission completeness status: It was a candle. That candle smelled like crap. It wasn't just his candle, I think. He'd his beer on his desk. Terse words for someone caught in the middle of everything.

No Surprises.

Can't find the words. Perhaps other people write nicer ones. Like Thom Yorke, who wrote the song of the same title as this entry. It talks about work slowly killing you. And bringing down the government that doesn't speak for us. And other things that are paining me.

"I'll take a quiet life, a handshake with carbon monoxide, with no alarms and no surprises, please"

The Consumation of an Empire.

Three Thirty in the afternoon. Two little girls.
"Oh, wait, this isn't the 8th floor! {no shit} Haha, shit, I have to go to class like this." [insert noticing the poland spring bottle. insert the heavy smell of alcohol and giggliness] "Look, he's shaking his head in disgust" {damn right I am}

Is this what we've come to? I dunno. I've had a chat or two about it today. And now that I think about it, it's what life is around here, to some. The eternal question looms heavy, "Are you going out tonight?"

But, what does it matter? Just a different circle? Is it more noble to stay in?

These hands could've moved mountains

What keeps us ticking? Keeps us moving forward into this perceived gloom? Does the gloom exist? Around us, death destruction and violence are common. In us, we've got so many stupid internal conflicts going on it's a mess to deal with it all. What are we doing? Saving our own skins? Can we do anything but save ourselves? If we can't do anything besides saving ourselves, then I think that, perhaps, we are already here in the gloom.

They put up smoke machines to keep us blind. Give us a lollipop to suck on. Big screen TVs = happiness here, next to the model child and white picket fence. Hire the illegals to do our dirty work while wasting our breath saying they should leave. They're immigrants after all, not humans. Romney is the animal among us. The pig among us.

So. What do we do? How do we keep going?

Happy Happy Joy Joy

This honey mustard chicken sandwhich from the cafeteria is good. It's rare that such fine cuisine so graces my presence. The experience is topped off with insessant christmas music reverberating from the speakers next door. Such a great place to sit and do work. Truly 5 star.

Metro Mile End

This is it. No more jester. No more being around just for entertainment of others while I'm stuck trying to balance doing the right thing with my innards. So, as the great Hank Williams said, "Now you-ah gonna change, or Im-ma gonna leave."

So, I suppose this is the danger of posting on consecutive days. Yesterdays thoughts are still fresh. I felt like that this day was, though, a little better. But, on the other hand, my decision to start burying things should probably stand. I don't think I've been hurt. But I don't know if I want to go down these roads. It's disconcerting, really, to look at reality. My future as a person who is thought of as having a smart head on his shoulders rests on 50 multiple choice questions on the obscure topics of chemistry. I don't want my happiness to be affected by it. There's more important things. But it can't be stopped.

This subway has gone off the rails.

Fuck this place!

Why are we doing this? Playing the same games on each other and not understanding? Revolving in tiny spheres. Kidding ourselves.

This shouldn't happen. We have it all. All of us. Your reading this, so you're not fucking starving or broke off your ass. So we've got fucking money, guy, but why the fuck aren't we any better for it? Seems like we can't just take it easy. We can't say, hey, my life sucks, but it's not bad compared to others, really.

My life's not great, but it's better than most.
My life's not great, I'm not cursed with being born into a project.
My life's not great, I'm going to a nice school and have a good future.
My life's not great, but I've food on my plate.

I've got to stop it. Shut it all away. I don't need anything else. Take it all. I just need to take what I've got with a humble smile. That's my key out, I think. What else need I worry about? That my roommate will be a douche bag? That I'll fail a few tests? Those aren't bad, but I've got food.

So fuck tests.
Fuck complaining.
Fuck self-esteem. [doesn't matter how I see myself. I've got it all]
Fuck materialism and style.
Fuck the republicans bitching about immigration while people starve.
Fuck the thuoghts in my brain.

Fuck this place.

of midnight con{or perhaps, de}struction. [what's that?]

A couple nights ago, I was up at 230 because I couldn't sleep. It happens. What kept me up for a while was odd. The sound of construction. Now, mind you that's a normal sound for me to hear, but at 2:30? I didn't think much of it at the time, but now that I think about it, I don't think it happened. It couldn't have. It would be impossible. I think I'm going crazy. Honestly.

Speaking of midnight destruction, the poor living in the equivilent of projects outside of Paris have decided to start a few destruction projects of their own. I don't know. I mean, I think that the reasoning behind it was poor. They say that the kids we're not wearing helmets and crashed into a police car. (Take that with a grain of salt, mind you. They aren't going to tell you anything else.) So, the two kids, died, unfortunately, and sparked off a few nights of rioting in response. They say the kids are angry. I think they've a reason to be. But I think that, perhaps, they should let it be known they are rioting because their situation sucks and they want change. Perhaps. I don't know. I'm not there, and I think I don't really understand, but I wish to. I think there cause is noble, even if their means to accomplishing their cause may be less noble.

Bodysnatchers

So, I suppose I've gotten away from the mission statement of this little place, partially because of my inability to really track current events like I used to, but...

I am disheartened in the way the world is right now. I mean, it seems that a new country does something to limit the freedom of their people each day. It started a while ago with Burma, but now Pakistan's leader has called for emergency rule instead of holding elections that he was reportedly going to lose. People weren't happy, and where people aren't happy, they protest, and ya know, I don't think I need to explain what happens to protesters. In Russia, too, they arrested Kasparov (SP?) for organizing protests against Putin, which um, shouldn't be illegal. But it is, so...

What's worse is that no one seems to care. Bush isn't delivering ultimatums to Burma's leader like he did to Saddam. He's called for Pakistani elections, but meh, he's not doing anything harsher than that. None of the news agencyies are keen on reporting on it. Americans probably aren't keen to hear it, either, though. Too worried about black friday and skyrocketing oil prices and losing their houses.

This is depressing. Maybe this is why I stopped.

Presidential candidates don't look too different. Nothing new. Nothing groundbreaking. Nothing to change the way things are going. Bleh.

"This is so liberating"

Don't understand. It was a guitar case and winter jackets. He was a guy in need. What's more important to keep out? Why are we all still clinging onto this?

Fake crocadiles in Hong Cong lead to tears

Say it scream it. Inform all. I do not control my fate anymore. Stuck in with a bunch of papers, a smashed snapple bottle, empty soul. I don't got any options. I don't feel alive. I'm sure this isn't being alive.

What's going on here? How is anyone sane? Why do we do this to each other?
What's going on here? Is anyone sincere?

They cannot lock me up. I am eternally free!!

A silent phone call. A black piece of glass. Empty tin cans. Uncomfortable tales of mislead adventures. Silence. Silence.

This is my night in a nutshell. This is my past in a nutshell. All I have accomplished rests on my stupidity. My life in the hands of a chemist. I can do it. I can try. I will be Michael. I will be guy. I will fall down. No one will be there to pick me up, I fear. Too worried over other things. Trivial things. Like a number. Or what we consume. Think you're not guilty?

To torture, or not to torture...

So, apparently the new attorney general is having troubles being confirmed because he refuses to answer weather or not he is for or against the torturing of "detainees" that don't technically exist in our legal system. They are not tried. We wont even acknowledge that they exist. They are simply erased. Sent to room 101. Deleted from newspeak. Just gone.

So, is it correct to do such things? Are we going to be terrorists too? Are we going to be the ruthless enemy everyone hates? Well, I guess we already are hated, but... Here's the thing. I tend to think, more so then ever, that we are chasing phantoms. We are chasing invisible leads. Meanwhile, we are just creating more problems because we continue to give other people reason to hate us. I don't think that torture is correct. Not only is it bad to itself, I think it can lend itself to worse things in the future.

"Is this a debate here?"

Democratic Debate

So. This is the American "left". A shambling party that fails to offer a serious contender and instead directs it's attention towards developing novelty candidates- A woman, who has only been a senator for a couple terms and an African American, who has little experience with foriegn policy. Excellent. Hilary is going to win the primaries only because she's a woman and her last name is "Clinton". And she's going to lose to the republican candidate.

The democratic party just fails to differentiate itself. It just wants to be a shade left of the republicans. The war won them a minor victory in the house, but it's not going to last. The republican candidate is going to wise up, say they are anti-war, and poof, the conservative right and fox news hops on at takes it to the races. It's a dispicable, horrible truth that Mrs. Clinton and Mr. Obama are never going to overcome. So, democrats, get a real candidate that promises to do real things to help the poor and needy in America. Show people the government cares for them. Please. Create a debate here. Make people decide if we want to continue being run by oil barons and bill gates. Give the poor an option. Or else, what's the point of an election, what's the point of a debate?

The ethics of anger.

Today is one of those days where everyone seems to be attempting to anger me.

So this lady today, in a minivan, is stopped at a crosswalk behind a white benz who politely and correctly yielded for pedestrians. This lady, though, was apparently late, and more important than us, went to the wrong side of the road and basically bullied her way through the crosswalk. Here is my question: Is it right of me to be angry at her? I have been in similar situations before, in a car, but I don't think I've ever been that extreme. But I do feel sorry for her, in some aspects, because she was presumably late and in the wrong place at the wrong time. Though it is her fault she's late, isn't it? I don't know. I could keep breaking it down more and more, but it's never going to answer the question: Am I right to be angry at her?

Fear.

Fear is everything. It's the reason why we all don't sleep at night. We fear dieing alone and afraid, feeble and helpless. We fear stuff we should be afraid of, but not always things we should not fear. We preoccupy ourselves trying to ease our fears, trying to think that people are always here for us, but they are not. I think the best way to ease our own fears is to ease someone else's fear.

So, reader of my blog: Don't be afraid. There are many things in this world that can do you harm, but none can crush your soul. You will always be who you are. You are going to find happiness one day, but maybe happiness is not that banging girl or your dream house or millions of dollars. Maybe happiness can only be found in love. Love everyone. Love and show compassion to the poor people down the street who do what they can to get by. Love the ignorant. Love the stupid. Love conservatives. Love and be loved by liberals. Love the fact that you breath in 21% oxygen in each breath. Love that you're so fucking lucky to be able to read this. Never, ever fear. The end might only be the beginning.

Airbag

So, I am still alive. My tests did not cause my death by exhaustion or mental crisis. I even managed to not do horrible on them, I think. I hope. We'll see. Almost half way there. I can make it. I think.

New Radiohea

I am excited for it.

But not for two tests this week.

End of September.

...and he makes jokes!

I don't know. I am watching TV. Or in a room with the TV on. Or whatever.

I went home this weekend. It was a little cool. Good to see my family once in a while. Love is a great thing. Pass it forward. I guess that's all I got.

Burma, or whatever fascists prefer to call it...

So, if you haven't been watching the news, the government in Burma has started using military force to disband pro-democratic protests lead by buddhist monks.

Now, last time I checked, we are very pro-democracy. In fact, I thought we were bold enough to spread democracy to all in such countries such as Vietnam and Korea. Now, when it comes to helping people who want help, we are just going to "sanction" them... Oh fear. I think it's time for us to get real and use the military we were too quick to use elsewhere.

Hurt.

Things confuse and worry me. When I am home, I have a couple friends who I hang out with quite a bit. But apparently when I go off to school I almost stop to exist. One of them is having a good time. The other is hurt. I feel abbandoned.

Some things never change. I think I'm bound to be this way.

A "moment of silence" is greeted by 86399 moments of....

So, my school, or should I say those at my school who are interested in such things, held a moment of silence for "international peace" day. It baffles me. What, exactly, will a moment of silence accomplish? I suppose, it is a moment of peace around the school, but that's hardly international. I do not see anyone doing much of anything to promote peace here. I see plenty of zomgwtfsave Darfur shirts, but no one is doing anything about peace in our daily lives at school. Frankly, there is no peace here. There is still a line of taxis outside taking kids off to get drunk. There are people here who cheat. There are people who are inconsiderate of others. Where there is no love, there is no peace. I do not feel any love here.

Where are we going?

Just a question. I'm wondering where we are headed right now. Looking forward, I'm having a hard time being optimistic about the future of the world. I don't know what I should do to make things better. I don't know if I can do anything.

I don't think we are on the right road though.

This morning, I had an odd dream. I dreamt I was driving near my house, and a forest fire had burned everything, and I couldn't tell if I was on a road or not. I ended up realizing I was indeed not on a road. My car ended up going over a cliff, with me waking up just before I hit the ground. I wonder if that's what it's like when you die. Odd thought. Odd dream. Odd day. Odd world.

Blackwater, civilians, and guns.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070919/ap_on_re_mi_ea/iraq;_ylt=AvoeYpgDcU.hsi.ZwX0UFQCs0NUE

I guess that's never a good situation.

It's a tough issue. On one hand, I see why they did what they did. I mean, you do have to defend yourself, and I certainly don't think, and hope, they weren't targeting civilians. But on the other hand, I don't think they should putting themselves in situations where it's possible for such things to occur. I understand they serve a purpose, but I think it's a pretty shitty purpose. I think it really says something about the situation in Iraq when things like this happen. We're doing a great job ain't we?

What is the natural log of E?

Does anyone know? Does anyone need to know? Does anyone else find it annoying?

Funny conversation with one of my neighbors yesterday. He started talking about how he would have gone out and joined the marines if it weren't for his parents making him go to school. I proceeded to mock the illigitamacy of the war in Iraq, which got him angry, I think. He then got over it by watching more fox news.

Fox news makes everything better.

One Ten Eh Ehm.

And me roommates have a deep ingrained love for being loud, drunk, and chanting "goodwill hunting". the kid next door left his fucking country/billy joel playlist on. Outside, cars honk their horns excessively. Ambulances scream by. The light on the antannea in the distance stays on for two seconds at a time. All is hectic. All is so normally backwards. Waking up in six hours. Do not want. But I will do bad to start anyway. I want to run. Steal compass/drive north. Disappear into the woods. Out of these fallow concrete expanses. Out of this place of apathy, where love does not exist except in fleeting moments of sympathy. Where there are no stars in the sky. No stars. Just that red light above an apartment, beaming for two seconds at a time. Just incandesence rising into the air. It carries nothing but our automobile horns, the blaring of sirens, and our drunken shouting.

Eleven forty pee ehm

But you wouldn't believe it cuz the clocks off. Everyone's bouncing off the walls. All are posing to be the hottest shit ever. No one is real. Every thing is getting to me. going off the rails. I am disconnected. So disconnected.

I wonder if everyone feels. I wonder if people are capable of love.

R U Still N 2 It?

Because I'm not in to it...

Today, or this week, has just been bland. I don't feel like doing anything anymore. I actually want to go home. It's odd. I dunno.

Is this evil in you too? Have you passed through this night?

So. I've been busy with school. It's annoying. I wish for more free time. But I suppose it's just gotta be done. It's interesting, but some of it is just annoyingly difficult.

I suppose I should bitch about politics more. I don't know what to say anymore. I read the news today, for the first time in a while. Nothing really changed. OPEC is doing more to help our economy than our president, but who can be surprised? It's all hopeless. fuck it all.

My relationship with my family has been getting better. I actually look forward to seeing them more than ever. I think I'm starting to appreciate things more.

Israel oh Israel

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Libyan_Arab_Airlines_Flight_114

our interests as a generation according to facebook

1
Summer
2
Reading
3
Music
4
Coffee
5
Madonna
6
Fishing
7
Drinking
8
Dance Parties
9
Central Park
10
Being Tan

Man's search for relevance,

It's come to my attention that certain states have been trying to move up there presidential primaries. The only reason being is that they want to be more relevant in the political landscape of America. It is true that candidates do spend more time in the early voting states. But other states seem to feel the need to try to push others out of the way in order to be relevant.

This, however, is not a behavior that is isolated only to states and politics. It happens every day. People try to sort of push everyone out of the way, you know, to be the person that matters, to be the person envolved in conversations. It's kind of horrid. I think if we all tried to be someone who stands for something for noble reasons things would be better. Instead though, everyone's got to be the center of the world. No one else matters. It's kind of sick, and horrid.

Just a thought.

Last stop 242nd.

August is done. This entry will not get read much.

I dont know what I am doing. I have a good time sometimes, but sometimes I just find myself totally incapable of functioning on the whole social level. Drama isn't fun. I think I am remembering why I don't want another girl friend right now. And that I liked things better when I was shut away.

Fitty.

So. Things haven't been horrid I suppose. I've been trying to do well in class, and I think I am doing a decent job, hopefully. I feel that maybe I'm learning more than before. Or I am just kidding myself, which is distinctly possible. Things elsewhere seem to want to fly apart in every direction. Aparently the computer back home doesn't want to work, which doesn't come as a total surprise to me. I mean, the thing wasn't designed right, it's broken on us a couple times now. I dunno. I don't want to shut myself away to everything else besides what's in front of me, but it may be wise. Too much happening. I haven't read the news in full in a long time. All the normalities in summer seem to have disappeared. I can't do much else besides school work and trying to make/keep friends here.

Soccer is fun though. I've been playing a bit at night. I suppose it'll help get me in shape.

Imagine thee view (oh sweet neglect)

Yeah. This. So I've been busy, I suppose, to say the least. A lot of preparation for school, saying goodbye to those back home, and moving in. It's been a couple days. A long couple days. Classes have started. I'm trying hard to try. Things on most fronts are going along as best I can hope. Roommates are odd. The two next door keep fox news on all day for entertainment, I suppose. (IMa liberal guy who doesn't like that sort of thing, cantcha tell?) Other kid keeps to himself most of the time, only occasionally breaking out an arnold accent. I am battling with myself on the whole social thing again. Gotta try not to be paranoid.

I also have to get a poster or something. Make things look nicer. Less bland. ALthough, it is me we speak of.

So long as you keep a straight face...

... I will be there when you die.

Departing from my probably good regiment of posting blogs only related toward world affairs, I guess I'll make this one personal again.

I feel horrible sometimes. I don't know weather to hold hope in people or if I should just resign myself to the fact that some people are just the way they are. That corporate America will never laugh along with jokes. That maybe one day people will realize life's not about being messed up.

I went to work the other day, and I pass by and ask the dishwasher how he's doing. He grogily responds "hungover". Sucks. I don't think much of it. We've talked, er, maybe I should say he's bragged to me before about he's ability to drink and get women etc etc. But then he goes to the shift manager "I feel like I'm going to puke, I gotta go home." Hmm. No other dishwasher around. Me. It took two minutes for me to be assigned to washing dishes the rest of the night. I was there almost an hour later than I was supposed to. The waitresses were stuck making their own ice cream, something that made them unhappy and probably slowed down service.

So, what's this have to do anything? Well, the dishwasher is a twenty something college dropout who works full time at the not-so-humble establishment. I don't mean to insult him or anything, but I am kind of disappointed that he isn't more responsible for himself. I do not take kindly to someone people fucking other people over. He fucked us over, plain and simple. Didn't say sorry or anything. Didn't seem to regret it.

But I feel bad for him. He doesn't seem happy. I mean, drinking is probably the first coping mechanism people abuse. So, when do people realize that coping mechanisms make things worse rather than better?

Where does the money go?

"Overseas buyers such as Levis, Gap and Pierre Cardin are now regular buyers of premium jeans from Sri Lanka where they can be made for as little as 12 dollars a pair, and often sell for over 100 dollars." - http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20070812/wl_sthasia_afp/srilankaeconomygarments_070812080616

Now, that's just baffling. I mean, 12 dollar jeans to make, I assume that includes labor costs for the workers. So maybe it takes another couple of bucks per pair to ship to it's destination. (keep in mind, it's a very very large shipment, so I assume it's not like, UPS rates or anything) And then it's maybe a couple more bucks for local shipping, paying the people who drive trucks, etc, and then it's at the store. Pay the people making barely above min wage for their work, and then where does the money go? I mean, there has to be a good $30-$40 there going in to the pocket of some big wig fucking executive, right? I don't know. I wish maybe the jeans were $15 to make so the factory workers could leave a little more comfortable. That money means something to them. Apparently it doesn't mean much to us if were paying $100 for $12 jeans.

The earth is not a cold dead place

But sometimes I think it may be. Dramatic opening line for a day that wasn't filled with bad-ness. I got to see some of the games club today, for a couple of hours at least I was around people who were smarter than I and kind of laugh at similar things. I am glad I did, because other wise I would have gone ballistic at work. First thing my manager says to me when I walk in the door is "Bad news, other ice cream person called out sick". Fucking great. The dishwasher isn't (or, perhaps, is) himself today, proclaiming to me to be hungover. A little while later he goes to the manager, says he's got to go home, saying he feels like he's going to throw up. Now, I am not saying I've never been hungover and puked, but never at work. So, manager throws me in the back washing dishes. The whole process is not fun. You get to rinse said glassware or plates with steaming hot water, somehow without scalding your hands and arms, and throw it in the machine thing. Then at the end of the night you've got to clean a lot of the grill stuff. I probably did a shitty job, but what else can I do, ya know? I mean, I also feel bad that I couldn't help out up front more. All the waitresses had to do their own ice cream, and not all of them really know what they are doing in that respect. It was a bad night at Friendly's. 4 more days though. Have to look on the bright side, or something.

The box is always open and the bag always rips.

Always remeber that. It's a law now, apparently.

I am not having the best day. I am tired. Apparently everything wanted to make a mess today. I feel like sleeping, but I have to go back to work in an hour so what's the point? I've been reading up on the world, but the more I read the more I think the worlds about to bust apart at the seams. Things don't seem to be going too well right now. Horrid stock market, horrific rate of forclosures, people killing each other. I should really stop reading the news...

A leetle special WalMart fun

This will Destroy you....

So, June hast turned into August. And I've like 2 weeks of work left before I start school again. (yeah, I'm counting) I guess my life kind of fell back into the summer ruts again. Doing nothing but working and sitting around. Although a few things recently made my days a little better:
1) Reading "Chomsky on MisEducation"
2) Finding the Red Alert 2 Soundtrack
3) Finding a whole bunch of books in .pdf format

I guess I'll try to keep myself busy and educated and all that stuff before I go to get educated s'more.

Onto the big news story of recent times: The bridge collapse in Minnesota. Horrific to think about, really. The human in me feels horrid. Not a good way to go. But the engineer in me is wondering what happened. I really hope there's a clear cut answer to all this, but I really think it's just going to end up as a large compilation of factors. I wonder what the consequence of this all is going to be, though, on the view of our aging public works projects. For instance, you can also cite the steam pipe explosion in Manhattan as a public works project that went horrible wrong due to age and antiquated technology. I really hope it spurs a movement for the updating of older structures and utility works before more people get hurt.

Bleak, Uncertain, Beautiful

So I returned a couple days ago. I've been too tired to post on here since. I dunno if tired is the right word. A lot has been on my mind, but I think sometimes it's too personal to put on here. Being helpless to stop some things is perhaps the worst feeling in the world.


I think that sums it up the most. I don't know what else to say.

Two plus two is still makes five.

So, I was asked a... maybe ironic? question at work today. One of the people I share my position with asks me "Have they cut your hours too?" I say... No, not really. I ask if she cut down her availability. "Well yeah, I only work tuesday-friday and sunday nights in x times"... Well. Now. Let's see. Cut availability. Trying to snag the good hours. Other people doing the same. Yeah, you're not going to work much. But here's where I start really getting enter-fucking-tained. I ask what happend to saturday night? "Well, my parents both work and I don't see them much..." Fuck. I have a fucking family too. I am sure they like seeing me on the weekends and want me to join in whatever their plans are on that particular weekend. I am sure I can change my availibility too. But I don't because I don't need to. It's not a necessity. But if I did, I certainly wouldn't complain about getting my hours cut. Fuck. Sorry. Shit pisses me off to no end. I close the place all weekend to hear this girl complain about her lack of hours? Please. I am going to stop now... I swear. It's done. Buried. Never to be excavated again.

On a lighter note... I will be relaxing the next few days, outside of contact of this humble web page and all other web pages around the world. I suppose my cell phone would be on, but really, why the fuck would you call me? Well... Some of you have reasons, and I encourage random phone calls.

Now to attract a phone book of more than 15... I'm pathetic, I think. At least in that aspect.

A really usefull engine...

Tis what Sir Tophamhat would tell his trains after doing something particularly cool. I'd know because I watched "Thomas the Tank Engine" religiously as a kid. When I first started saying I wanted to be an engineer when I was a kid, I really meant a train engineer. But I've gone this far...

So, why am I saying this? Well, I am sort of angered and fustrated at work. A lot of people fault socialism's tendency to promote laziness in the workplace. (The arguement goes: Why try hard when you get paid the same? I am not saying this is without merit.) But it sort of occurs in capitalism too. And I don't think it's just my workplace.

Now, I am about to come across as a pompous jackass. I know this. But I sort of... maybe pride isn't the best word, but I like to think that I try hard at work. I mean, I'm not perfect, not in the least, but I try to not cause problems or create more work for people. I try to be a nice guy. I show up when I am supposed to, do what I am told, get my money, life is good. But it feels empty.

Take today. Saturday night. Partay time for the other 4 kids friendly's employs at my position, and I am left working until midnight trying to clean up the place for the morning. I didn't do the greatest job ever, sorry whoever works tomorrow. But here's what angers me: Why are the other 4 peoples time worth more than mine? Why do they feel the need to arrange their schedule and availability so as to stick me with the worst possible hours while they soak up the easy time? I understand that the job sucks. Believe me, I do. I don't enjoy it any more than they do. But if you don't like it, quit. Don't insult my intelligence. I know the games you're playing, but I guess maybe I have it in my heart to help out my fellow workers. I know that if I called out tonight to go party with friends, I would have fucked all the waitresses over. They would've been making the same, or argueably less money, but doing more work that they aren't supposed to be doing.

I think they have come to the right conclusions. Some things money can't buy. Time is one of them. Avoiding stress is huge. But I think they're blind for failing to realize that their laziness and exploitation are harming others. I hope they are blind to it, because it'd make me vomit if they were doing this purposefully.

So, back to connect the dots. I conclude that this sort of stuff happens everywhere. Some workers know how to play the game and avoid work and create more for others. Other people feel bad and do it without complaining. It happens in Capitalism and Socialism. It's an unavoidable consequence of our material world telling kids you've got to fucking party like a rockstar.

Notice to my generation: Your nights of joy inflict pain on others. I'm reverting back to my original posts against them material girls dressed up in their sweatshop rags and handbags. Look around at the pain in the world. Have a fucking heart and care. Or maybe you should look away. Ignorance is bliss right?

This fence.
around.
yr garden.
wont keep.
the sky.
from falling.

PS you let me down Celtic

Loosing to the MLS all stars. Bah. McGeady looked good though, get 'em bhoy. Ireland's gonna qualify for Euro. I am calling it now.

This Road Leads Where It's Lead

Apparently I have a fan at work in the form of district manager guy, who seemed oddly eager to promote me to cook/train me on grill. It was sort of weird. I'm a 19 year old college student. I guess maybe he thought I'd stay for longer than a couple months or something. It was awkward. I mean, I take working seriously, like, I feel horrid if I slack off a great amount or if I'm significantly late or something. I guess maybe I sort of come off as mature? I don't know. I didn't like it much. I am happy with what I am doing I suppose. I don't want more responsibility at work. I just want a quiet job that doesn't require me to stress myself.

Not saying work isn't stressful or tiring. I'm beat. And working the next 3 nights. And really not looking forward to that. I don't see why I do it to myself. I mean, I don't know why I feel loyalty to the people who like, are obviously playing the schedule game better than I. I don't know. I guess I am due to get a couple days off and go down the shore with my family. Hopefully that turns out OK.

The more the summer progresses the worse it gets. Nothing horrific, it just seems to be degenerating from something that seemed so hopefully into the same old shite that I always have to deal with. I do it to myself, I do. That's what really hurts.

Goodbye Desolate Railyard

So, I was thinking before, that maybe I am sort of too tough on people in my head. Maybe like, I expect too much from them, I mean. Like, I do think there are tons of issues that need addressing in the world, and I think that our culture could use a bit less apathy, but maybe I should consider that there's also a lot of shit going on. Not everyone really has time to contemplate all that's going on in the world. There's too much personal tragedy. Much too much. I mean, I don't know if I've ever posted my views on divorce on this space, but for a long time I've held the view that our astronomic divorce rate is really kind of horrific. I mean, over half of the kids in America are put in a really awkward family situation where they've got you know, biological fathers and step fathers and step syblings and it's like... I could see why it'd be really stressful. And I could see why these kids are you know, torn up. How can I expect them to care about others when no one's really looking out and caring for them? It's all a consequence of this culture we've got here. I guess I am really fortunate to have no real personal horrors going on in my life. I mean, I'm single, but I don't care as much as I used to. My family is a bit odd, and I don't quite enjoy the situation sometimes, but it's not driving me nuts. So I guess I'll just sit here, type my feelings on large issues like my opinion matters, and you know, try to be a nice guy.

Speaking of large issues, I think you've got to read this:

GENEVA (AFP) - Conditions for children in Iraq have deteriorated sharply in recent years as their humanitarian plight has fallen largely into neglect, a senior UNICEF official said Monday.

"I have no doubt whatsoever that the condition today is much worse," Dan Toole, acting deputy executive director of the UN Children's Fund, told journalists after being asked for a comparison with the situation under Saddam Hussein's regime.

"Children who have had to flee Iraq -- and millions have fled -- are much worse off than a year ago and they certainly are much worse off than they were three years ago," he added.

Toole said there were signs that the health and nutrition for Iraqi children was "changing for the worst", despite recently released two-year-old indicators that had shown signs of an improvement.

UNICEF said the information gleaned from people leaving Iraq, and from the agency's "quite limited" access within the country, indicated that the number of female-headed households has increased "dramatically" because mostly men have been killed in the violence there.

"Many of those women are too frightened to bring their children to health clinics, many are too frightened to send their children to school," he added

Only two-thirds of Iraqis have access to clean water, according to UNICEF.

"My concern is that the focus on Iraq is on the political situation, the security situation, it is not on the lives of Iraqis living day in, day out, with deprivation, with lack of food, with lack of medical supplies," he said.

"That says something about the attention of the world, the attention of our leaders," Toole added, urging a greater focus on the impact on children.

UNICEF says its aid programmes for children in Iraq have only received about one-third of the funding they need.

12-28-99

Feel a bit better today. I read through Chomsky's "Media Control", which made me feel a bit less crazy. It was a good read, kinda short, but it gets it's point across. If you want it let me know. It's scary, but it's very correct on a lot of issues, and it should really be read by all. I guess I'll talk more about it down the line, but for now I am sleeping.

These things you can't unlearn

So, I guess my optimistic mood was short lived. Things are beginning to wear on me. I woke up at 7am today for work, worked till like 3 (albiet with an or so hour break), but today I was just sucking a lemon all day. Everything that people could possibly do to annoy me, it seemed like they did. I am stuck working 5-11 tomorrow, a day that was supposed to be a day off. I could've really used it. I also had to jump through some rediculous "health" hula hoops. Srsly, like, do I really have to sanitize the bag of soft serve before I empty the said contents into the tank? The bag isn't going into the mix or anything. I don't get it. It's all a bunch of corporate procedure bullshit that the district manager felt like making me do. He had a horrible attitude towards us proles.(1) We are people. When I obviously go out of my way to hold the door for you, it's nice to say thanks, or atleast acknowledge that I exist and I did something nice for you. But you had to be a cunt, just walk on by with your fucking cheap pen you fucking take from Commerce Bank and the sandwich you probably didn't pay for. Meanwhile, we've gotta for our drinks now. I know it wasn't Ray's innitiative. Tim wouldn't do it. It's you, you corporate bastard. Take more from us. Deny the waitresses who make something stupid like $3 an hour from you the right to socialize with each other. Sleep well, take the bigger bonus you get from my drinks and buy a six pack to help you sleep with your conscience at night, if you even have one. I am a person. I get thirsty, and I like talking to people once in a while. I exist. You choose to not see me though. I live, I breathe, I enjoy the same things as you. I have not done anything to you, so why do you insist on acting like I should be your little yes man?

I am sorry if you read all that. I don't know. As I said, I got put into a bad mood. I guess it's better to get angry at an unread webpage than it is to get angry in person.

I guess it's all just a reality check. I guess I can't keep believing that people are decent sometimes. I can't believe that I can ever be happy at this point in my life. I guess it's just one of those times where you just grin and bear it and keep in mind that I am done with this in a month.

(1) Proles: Common workers. Tis an Orwellian term. And yes, I did use a footnote in my blog today. I guess it would make my past english teachers happy. Haha.

In Mind

"When you die, you'll have to leave them all behind. You should keep that in mind. When you keep that in mind, you'll find a love as big as the sky." Ironically, one of my favorite wordless band penned this to be the first thing they sung on a record. I think it's an amazing quote. I think it makes a bit of sense. I think I'm no longer going to keep chasing phantom relationships. Yeah, a girlfriend would be nice, but like, I think it's unwise to go nuts over it. There are a bunch of things that make me plenty happy. I mean, I can live in the past, or get stuck worrying about the future, but I can also live for right now and enjoy what I have and be alive.

Subterrainian Homesick Alien

Long day. Really long. After work was brutal. Generally drained. Wish I had something more substantial to say. I don't know.

Blind Blind Blind

I worked all day and I feel fine. I think things are coming around this summer. I think I am getting back to who I am. The guy who thinks about other people above himself. The guy who can see things without being blinded by outdated emotions. The guy who knows what he stands for and wont waiver. The guy who realises how blinded we can be and/or are to reality.
Today, I woke up at 6.45 to attend work at 7. It was the earliest I woke up in a long time. I woke up and worked for a few hours unloading a supply truck before getting a half hours rest at home, taking a nap, only to wake up and go back to scooping ice cream. I didn't get home until 6. But something really humbled me. I was talking to Rognel, the cook, during a lull in business. He was working a full 12 hours, 8-8. And he was doing it again tomorrow. I can't imagine it. Yet, my mom thought my shift was horrendous. The fact is though, that we at Friendly's have it nice. We get paid a decent wage. There are people out there who work harder than us, who don't have the future we have, for significantly less money. It makes my little shift look meager and fortunate. Yet, I never really realised it. I suppose it makes me want to work harder to take advantage of the luck I have. So as not to be blind.
But not all was awesome. I don't know about some people. I don't know how everyone gets off thinking they're invincible yet have nothing. We have everything, my friends. Everything we can dream about is here. For the most part, we are free to do anything we want, to say anything we want, to think anything we want, yet we just sit here, stick our thumbs up our asses and think that what we've got sucks because other people get more. Yeah, there are plently of people out there in ivy league schools who are utterly blind and dumb, probably don't deserve what they have, but they have it. I have what I have. It's all I got. This mind is the only one I'll be issued. I think I'd do well to get off my horse and start walking.

The Landlord is Dead

So. It doesn't feel like a week since I posted my oppinions on things on this little webpage of mine. I guess you can blame the Friendlies ice cream corporation for the ammount I've been working lately. Last week I spent nearly two whole days scooping ice cream. It's odd to think about. So I've been tired and such, and sort of thinking less about relevant things. I think I've just been thinking too much about the things in my life that aren't complete and that I myself can't fulfil. I can't worry myself to death about a girlfriend or lack of serious relationships in my life. I understand that I am partially, or even mostly, to blame for this lack, but the bottom line is there isn't much I can really do about it right now, so I should stop being a selfish bastard and realize there are more important things going on here.

I got paid today. In a laughable show of contempt for thier money, I went out and bought a couple of books by Orwell. I haven't gotten around to reading "Animal Farm" or "1984", but I've heard good things. I think I may end up wondering why we didn't have to read these in school, or something. Instead we read "The Jungle". While it was a decent book, I believe people don't like being treated like babies. I think instead of taking people's hand and guiding them toward what you believe in (in the case of the Jungle, socialism), I think instead good books and good arguements should lead people into logically coming to thier own conclusions that coincide with yours. People feel smarter that way, I think. Anyway, this has been the extent of my recent life.
Such a fun, exciting life indeed.

As a little bit of an afterthought, I am wondering if I am becoming a little bit tooo sarcastic. Perhaps. I think I should start considering cutting down on it.

Idioteque

So, today, the mayor of the fine city of New York officially became independent of any mainstream political party. No longer will he be tied down by the shit that is inter-partisan politics. He doesn't have to answer to anyone but himself. I bet it must be nice. No more hiding out as a republican. Good for him. He's governing on what he feels is right, not what the party says is right. I admire him greatly for doing so. I hope he does run for president. He'd get my vote.

Guess that's all I have to say. I'm tired. Gotta wake up at 7 tomorrow and unload a truck. fuck.

In Mind.

Lately my attempts to think outside of myself have been faltering. I find myself maybe being a little too paranoid. A little too tired. A little too uninterested.

Today was father's day. I think my dad had a good day. I woke up and went to mass with him this morning, which I guess he appreciated. I do it most of the time anyway, but I guess it'd be pretty dick of me to not go. Other then that, I didn't leave the house today. I had dinner with the family, but then sort of just chilled at my house. It wasn't because I didn't have a choice, I just found myself to be just tired and uninterested in going out. Maybe it's just a morning waking up on the wrong side of the bed. Maybe.

People, besides upsetting me with stupidity, sometimes ammuse me. For instance, that commerical on TV, I think it's for a Nissan dealership, you know, the "We make buying fun, AND EASY!" guy? Well, I don't know how he does it, but each time he makes a new commercial, he manages to put something so rediculous and hilarious in the commerical it makes me want to go to the dealership to laugh at him. Then I remember the economics behind it and I realize that in order for the commericals to still be running this long, someone must enjoy them enough to buy his shit. Yeah. Our fellow countrymen, listening to a guy with a spinning wheel of savings and a staff that enjoys tossing confetti and doing other such rediculous thing. It's humurous and a little discusting all rapped into a nice package for easy consuming. [lolzpun]

I suppose, though, that maybe I'm not being fair. There are a few people out there who aren't stupid. In fact, there are plenty of people out there who kind of think the same thoughts I have, or atleast I hope. Well, maybe I don't hope, I know there are, and I think there are some who are. There are many people in life I like and appreciate. I suppose I maybe shouldn't be so condesending.

I need a new topic in life.

With A Living

So, um, I am working at Friendlies now. I don't know if I want to say unfortunately. Money good. Most people not so much. Going to be a long summer.

Nothing has really happend. G8 turned out to be dominated by squabblings over anti-ICBM missles in Europe and an intoxicated French Prime Minister. Yeah, that Africa place was sort of mentioned, they said they would apparently keep harvesting resources from Africa and ignore the instibility, famine, and violence that accompany daily life there.
...Ok, so maybe they weren't that frank, but you get the point.

Other then that, nothing's changed. People are still dumb. People are still needlessly dieing. People are still profiting from said death. Um... I am still here being quiet. Change can't occur overnight, I suppose.

Baby steps.

It's Natural to be Afraid

So no one offering employment has called me yet. I am beginning to seriously wonder if there is something wrong with me. I mean, as my dad pointed out, getting these jobs are often connected with not what you know but who you know. I find that to just be like... crushing. I don't understand why this horrible burden is placed on me. It's getting to be just draining.

It's hot out tonight and for some reason the dogs in my room. I'm so not sleeping well. I'll toss in turn in fear that all my problems and struggles will never be alliviated. I'll sweat and be forced to smell the stench that is my dog. I'll worry about anything that can hurt me. The sun will rise, the birds will chirp, and I'll be lucky to wake up at noon.

TV! Sing Me to Sleep

So. Yeah. Too lazy and such to post recently much? Yeah. But my mind has not been becoming mush. This rant should be a longish one, I think, but we'll see how it ends up.

So, I've been searching for a summer job for the past oh, 2 weeks now or so. I've probably put in 6 or 7 applications to different stores. Places you know, I honestly wouldn't mind working at. Borders would be right up my alley. Even last years summer job at BJs wasn't too bad. Even applied at A&P and some other silly chain grocery stores. I don't know what it is about me. Maybe I guess summer help just isn't desirable. I mean, I sorta understand. Why bother training and getting to know someone if you know he's going to leave after like, a few months. But the whole process has been just, wearing on me. Having my parents breathe down my neck over it doesn't help. It's given me a pretty worthless feeling.

I was sitting in Wendy's the other day, after being rejected from BJs, just sitting there having a cheeseburger and one of those frosty float things (which are sort of stellar, I may add), when I was looking over this little contest advert they had on the tables. It had one of the most true statments I've seen in a long time. It read "Many will enter, few will win." Everyone in life tries to attain some sort of happiness, normally through attaining some ammount of relative wealth. Everyone knows the wealthy run the world, they're the ones who appear in the news and have thier own TV shows and get interviewed on stupid 24 hour news channels. They get thier pictures taken and plastered all over those gossip rags. Most everyone wants it. But I'm beginning to think it's all a farse, ya know? Like, that it's just an illusion. That, like that promotion Wendy's is running, no one ever wins. I don't really think that's too good. I think it's quite shitty, actually. I wish it kinda got changed.

The G8 [for the non-aware, the G8 is the anual conference where the 8 leader's of the world's most "powerful" contries meet to discuss stuff and restart cold wars or something] is meeting this weekend in Germany. They're going to discuss such gripping things such as global warming, the new American missle defence system being built in Europe, and how to fuck over Africa and the rest of the 3rd world some more while pretending to be taking action. All this without input from, you know, the other hundred something countries in the world, or the UN or anything. Just rich big boy business. As you may be able to tell through my tone in this paragraph, I don't really support it. I admire the people in Europe who go to these rallies and protests, and wish them the best. Hopefully things don't get too messy outside the event.

We already know things inside the event are a total mess.

Have you passed through this night?

Some things give me hope. Some things worry me. Some things seem hopeless. I suppose that sums up my day. Ironically, I think that sums up everyday and I just put up a post here for the sake of posting. I don't know. I guess nothing I am thinking about right now is too groundbreaking. Instead I am just up later than I hoped thinking about nothing and worrying about everything.

Harrowdown Hill

So exams are over. And I am home. Today I spent the day sleeping and still managing to feel crappy. So far my grades aren't disasterous. They aren't bad, but apparently not what people want. Sometimes I feel like my best isn't enough. I mean, maybe I haven't been you know, spending my life studying, but I don't know how much is expected of me. I guess I have the rest of my relaxing (ha ha ha) summer to contemplate my life. Or working like a slave and being alone and unappreciated and any other possible negative adjective a parent can think about thier son while holding thier daughter on a pedistal and giving her everything. But I digress. Greatly. Sorry.

So my hiatus was caused by finals, and I appologize for that.

I think this site is going to be loaded with a lot of my fustrations in the coming months. Fun stuff right, I mean reading my bitching? Everyone loves that. I guess I'll try to keep it relevant to all. Attempt to or something. If I don't implode somewhere.

No Surprises

Really tired. Getting depressed and dishearted with the current school situation. Some things really don't seem fair. But I can deal. Just have to worry about owning my finals. Hopefully can finish my paper tomorrow, we'll see though.

Blind Blind Blind

"This song is about drinking with friends. If you don't drink and have friends, then there things you can do with friends that are much better than drink. If you drink and don't have friends then you should probably stop drinking. If you drink and have friends... then drinking with friends is a good thing."

I think I fall somewhere in part 2 of that little story.

I got some work done. Not nearly enough. Going to not sleep tomorrow it looks like, for the first time in my college career. Sounds like fun.

Histories repeating as one thousand hearts mend

Well, yeah I've become a little lazy/busy/uninspired lately. Mayday has come and gone. Nothing's changed yet. But I don't know. One thought at a time, Mike.

I've got to do the bulk of an eight page paper this weekend on the topic of my choice. I decided to do it on why I despise walmart. It'll be posted up on here upon it's completion, perhaps. It may bore you, but it's something I actually care about, sort of. Unwillingly.

An odd thing happend yesterday. I was chilling out listening to music, mind you I wear the large, noise cancelling type so it's pretty hard to hear outside noise, but I hear someone fucking wailing on the door. So I get up and answer it, cuz that's what you do to doors. So, anyway, I open it and there are these two girls there. And the moment they see me they break out in laughter. Mind you, I am sort of familiar with one of these girls, so I'm kind of purplexed. I mean, I know they aren't looking for me, so they ask for one of the dudes next door, who comes out shirtless (>.>) with a sly smirk on his face. Now, I mean, I don't know the whole story, but it didn't exactly seem like it was something done with the purest intentions. I don't know. I overanalyse things. It's a fucking tiny thing, but it's the only out of the ordinary thing that's happend to me the past few days. I'm sort of shutting myself out more and more. I am just... I don't know how many people I can trust anymore. I don't know which hearts are true. I don't know anymore. I'm convinced I am slowly being driven nuts.

Horses in the Sky

So. I was laying in bed just before and I got to thinking about what I was doing with my life. I suppose I could be doing better, but I am happy with myself and where I am right now. I just wish I was doing better. I suppose it's time to seriously crack down and study my ass off. I really have to destroy my physics final, that's my main goal. Getting a B in that class would be a huge accomplishment. A lot of work to do, so I am set for doing it all at the highest level I can. It's my vow. I haven't done it much before, but damn I've got to start.

Subterantian Homesick Blues

I am sorry for this string of insubstantial posts. My mind is sort of like toast. And I prefer english muffins. I'm kind of exhausted for some reason. I've been sleeping okay. And it's only tuesday night. Funfunfun. workworkwork. sleep a little. Rinse. Repeat. Subtract fun to the third power. square work cubed.

My Iron Lung

So things are getting rocky here in school. It's annoying, it's a lot, and it's getting just tiring and I don't feel like doing it anymore. Please get me out of here?

Engine Broke

Um, so I am sorry about the little hiatus. I suppose I should say to not expect much out of this for the next month or so. I am up to my neck in work. And yet, I am having trouble focusing. It's all fustrating. I mean, I know I'll get it done, but... I just don't have the will. I know I have to do it and make sure it's good, and it will be good, but I just hate sitting down and regurgitating information from the internet for hours on end.

I went to the zoo today with my family. I actually enjoyed it a bit. My brother was being really funny, as normal, and my parents didn't bug me much. The zoo was crowded, but other than that it was alright.

Which starts me off on Earth Day. Now, environmentalists can be a bit nutty at times. But sometimes they are nutty and right. I think they have good intentions in what they do, so I can't talk bad about them that much. Although, I do have to ask what exactly Bloomberg is trying to accomplish with this driving toll... I don't think it will solve much of anything. People drive because they need to. Charging them an extra 8 dollars on top of the bridge tolls they are already paying is insane. I'd also hate to be the businesses in that area. I don't know. It just seems like a dumb idea. I'm glad he's thinking though. The rest of his proposals were all positive. It's good to see Arnold take it seriously as well. I hope positive environmental changes are just around the corner.

The National Anthem

So I don't think I need to tell anyone what today is. The irony of that statement is that I can be refering to one of three thingsl: The birth of the person responsible for the most death in history, the aniversary of Columbine, or 4/20, as in the day where everyone has the sudden, uncontrolable urge to smoke marijuana. If people based thier answer off the first thing that popped into thier heads, #3 would be the most popular choice. I congratulate all of you out there who picked one of the first two. ("All of you out there" is providing that more than one or two people read this thing, mind you)

Why I choose to refuse to use drugs is a complicated question to answer. There is no way for me to answer it without upsetting people who use drugs. It's not my intention to insult anyone, or make anyone feel bad, but these are my oppinions.

Generally, I like to think of myself as someone who is going to maybe accomplish something someday. I believe in a lot of causes. I'd like to think, hypothetically, that I could possibly influence the way the world thinks. There's a lot in the world, in my opinion, that needs changing. Everyone can relate to this, I think. Many people are generally dissatisfied with the way our culture and our government treat us. I think that if I were to start on that path, that there would be no turning back. That I would sort of lose faith in everything. That I would become like everyone in here who spends his lonely day in his room smoking instead of thinking.

But you know, sometimes I wish I could be apathetic. I wish I could stop caring about the world around me. I wish my problems can be solved by buying something. But I think things are deeper then that. Atleast, I hope so.

Tres Tres Retro

Today was over before it started. School ended up being okay. I think my math test went alright. physics too. I am on the downhill from here on out, sort of. I've got to do some crap for psych this weekend... this weekend being all too short. It's sort of good to get it out of the way though. Hopefully I can sit down and bang out a few more pages tomorrow. It would make my life easier indeed.

I really don't have much insight to offer this night. Other than things never seem to change much. The media still hawks over every story and picks away at it until even the bones are gone. People still do the same things they did yesterday. I suppose, though, that I can't complain. I can't say I did anything life changing or ground breaking today. I mean, huddling in my room isn't new. Anyways... I'm tired. I got like 4 hours of sleep last night. Tonight hopefully I catch up.

She dreamt she was a bulldozer...

Today wasn't horrible. I slept in and am, thus, feeling better because of it. Unfortunately it leaves me with no choice but to stay up late tonight studying for a physics quiz and math test tomorrow. That's okay though. I'll be alright. I've a lot of work ahead of me though. I have to do a few more pages of a pysch paper before next week, and a program to complete sometime soon, hopefully. There's a lot on my plate.

I wanted to talk a little bit (and my song is in reference to this) about my views on self-image. We often hear about particularly young women who have eating disorders because they always see themselves as fat, but the problem, I believe, is generally larger then that. I think a lot of people struggle to make themselves into something they view as desireable or positive. In this process, though, they often ignore thier innermost thoughts and feelings. In general, it crushes thier individualistic spirit and they, instead, turn into what they think society wants her or him to be. Some kids choose to go out of thier way to fit into other social groups, and that's fine, but when they realize that they don't quite have the concrete friends they thought they did, they feel betrayed. And sometimes, this view can become downright descructive towards themseleves. People sometimes throw thier own personal happiness to the wind in order to mold themselves into what they think society (society being anything from a social group to a parent or to the opposite sex) wants them to be. I find this abhorent. I wish that people would realize that happiness must be found within themselves, that people should listen to thier hearts and ignore what they think other people want them to be, and instead be themselves.

Catastrophy and the Cure

So obviously today's big news story is that some graduate student at virgina tech decided to shoot something like 32 people beforing ending his own life, in what was the single largest shooting spree in American history outside of a war setting. I don't really know what to say about it. It's certainly a horrific thought that 32 of my peers were shot for no apparent reason other than one man's pain and loathing. I also feel bad for the shooter. Maybe if we all decided to show a little more love to other people something like this can be adverted. I am definetly not saying this was anyway justified, but I do feel that these types of shootings are, to a certain extent, preventable. I suppose once we learn the hows and whys things will become clearer.

Part of me is also happier to be alive. I suppose it does sort of show that life isn't something to be taken for granted, and that, no matter how my next test turns out, I will still be alive.

I woke up this morning with a bit of a fever and totally out of energy. Hopefully a good nights sleep tonight helps me feel better on the morrow.

Apparently my house's basement has a bit of water seeping into the basement from all the rain in the past day or two. Certainly harsh weather we had there. Hopefully things will get warmer soon and not as cold and damp. I feel like I'm living in Ireland with all this rain and cold.

Go To Sleep (lil man being erased)

so yeah. 3am and I am awake because of tree sex clogging my nose and making it run. I am dead tired and feeling wonderful...

So what have I been thinking about, you ask? Well, you see, I was thinking [as usual] about how unbalanced the world is. I try to do nice things for people when I can. Sometimes, I even go out of my way if I am asked. I like to think I'm a reasonable guy. I don't go out of my way to intentionally hurt anyone. But I've been wondering, if I am a nice guy, then how come I'm not more liked? I mean, I do understand I'm a bit odd in my musical tastes and general attitude toward life, but... I don't know. I thought I'd share.

back to sneezing.

Creep

So this weekend... yeah. weekend. Allergies started killing me today. The fact that I have no real tissues, only napkins, doesn't make my nose feel any better. Couple that with a rather sour mood that seemed to come with the rain doesn't help.

The fact that the "title" of my blogs are songs are no coincidence. I've got no other use for the title, so I might as well try to get across my mood. I'll try to make it more plesant from time to time.

I disappear

Yeah. Sorry to disappoint my many (>.>) readers out there. I suppose I just kind of got disheartened a little bit. Some things this week were okay, other things are just really starting to wear on me. Such as my inate ability to be awkward in most all social situations. And my struggles to maintain a decent grade. I need another break. Alas, no rest for me. Onward, to elevators that still smell of consumerism. Onward, to the front of the building where we can argue over taxies. Onward to forget that we forgot. I'm going to bed. I get to go to the world trade center tomorrow to look at the new stuff they are building. Ungodly early for a friday morning. I'll probably end up with 4 hours of sleep. I wish I could make it all go away.

I guess today was sort of....

Unfulfiling I suppose? I don't know. I didn't really solve any of my problems. Things just kind of compounded and it just became fustrating. I felt like I had one million words to say, yet I couldn't say them. "The tactics were never hatched, the plans were never mapped, and we all learned not to believe." It put me in a sort of disagreeable mood. I suppose when things start fustrating me I start venting on what I percieve to be wrong about our culture. Maybe hopefully one day I'll inspire someone to fight for something they believe in, instead of just sitting and waiting and hoping. Maybemyself one day. Imagine the view.

Today was rescued by my new cell phone, which sort of brings me back into contact with people. I ended up getting some food, engauging in a debate about the positive aspects of easter/passover, playing mario kart, and finding out who cared enough to listen to my aural crapping. So, I guess I sort of found out who has my back, and who just wants my serrogate attention but hit the abandon button when someone (alledgedly) more important comes along. tomorrow is saturday, and things seem to be ok. sunday is a nice day with my family. monday is going to be put aside for some work and travel to school. tuesday probably the same.

blehhh

Oi. I've been tired lately. A test and a quiz in the last two days before my vacation. Forever a good time. Today felt empty. I am going to bed.

So many things.

"You must know so many things" my calculus teacher likes to say. So many things have been on my mind recently, and most of them have been bugging me. The weekend wasn't too bad overall, the 4 days upcoming have some minor annoyances, but... I look forward to 4 days off and some time to collect myself.

Thursday nights...

...And the elavator reeks of cheap department store perfume, alcohol, and vomit. Trendy fashionable dress required. State of blind ignorance required. If we don't read the news, it doesn't exist. [No one cares about the dead Iraqis anyway] Let's leave them there now, after we've put them through this. We can have our military leave, and leave camera crews behind. Put ensueing violence on pay per view. [$49.95 plus tax] What's the ratio of American : Iraqi, congress? Government? Oh, a lot, cuz the Iraqis don't vote for you. Make sure yr in the news on this issue. People vote for you this way. And youcan be elected, and take money from the multinationals for your vote on economic issues, and end up looking important in history. You must win now. But you're killing people. Your people are alcoholics. Your people get divorced half of the time. Your people aren't happy, and your using us.
Don't shut down the clubs though. Make sure Gucci is required. Keep them fake IDs coming. Make sure most of us aren't looking. Drive the ones who are lookng nuts. Make sure to tell everyone else to turn on, tune in, and drop out. Oh wait. That's supposed to be ahippy thing. Hippies are dead. WEll, they are in congress now. And telling you to do that. ANd wanting you to look the other way. And relying on the media giants to not say a word, because disney gives you the news. And they make yr lil dolls in china. and a sweatshop near you. And they want you to look the other way.

ouch.

Ok, so, before I go on with this entry, does anyone else want to take a verbal swing at me? Basically, today was full of someone or other finding someway to knock me down. My math teacher basically called me out in front of class today, in a negative way. My attempts to play soccer were mocked by others. Maybe the only person who is willing to go into an in depth conversation with me told me to stfu. I don't know. My only consolation was a few people who actually appear to be decent. And a 2 hour long CS:S deathmatch session. And a few hours of being unable to sleep again. And that sinking feeling that no matter what I do, no matter how much I try to be a nice guy, I'm doomed to be a second rate nobody.

Misguided attempts to end bootlegging

Bootlegging, so big business claims, causes the loss of "billions" of dollars each year. However, I think some things need to be addressed by the companies. This article inspired this little rant.
#1- They need to realise that thier products are overprised. N0 one wants to spend hundreds of dollars on Windows or Microsoft works, Mr. Gates. People are wising up. They are either going to start buying bootleggs- for a fraction of the price- or they are going to dump your programs, which I wholeheartedly support. I've begun to look at putting linux on my computer in place of windows, apparently it's more secure, has more updates, and, unlike it's competition, totally free. Open source programming is the best invention since sliced bread.
#2- Microsoft, every record label represented by the RIAA, and every movie studio represented by the MPAA, are probably not losing money. In fact, Microsoft is probably the most profitable companies around. Bill Gates tries to act like a nice guy, but the more I read about microsoft, the more I despise him.
#3- It's not our fault cheaper products are available. If you want to sue someone for thier life savings (and I mean you, RIAA), atleast sue the creators of these websites, or the people burning your programs onto disks to sell, not the consumer.
And for fuck sakes, this guy was a principal at a school. The kids were trying to learn. They probably can't afford your overprised piece of shit. And you sue them? Crazy...

Did you ever feel...

Like you're sinking? I think that word sums up my day. (sinking, that is). For some reason, things never felt quite right about today. Maybe it was the 4 hours of sleep. I'd say I am worn down, but I've been back for a week now.
The news wasn't really new today. More of the same old "zomg Iran is building nukes and taking prisoners!" (like the latter has never happend before). I've honestly began not to care. In all likelyhood, the next commander in chief is going to be equally as incompetent as our current one. I guess Guiliani is my current pick. Please no McCain though. I'd like to be able to finish school before getting shipped off. Ummm... then there is the whole you know, Anna Nicole Smith thing, where she "accidentally" ODed. Just like Maralyn Monroe. Except she failed to bang a president. Or look real. Or do anything important for that matter. Why is this on the front page of yahoo again?
Sometimes I laugh, only to realize it's not really that funny.

So yeah....

This is my horrid attempt at documenting things, I suppose. I dunno if you'd call it documenting. Bad word. Recording sounds ugly too. Anyways, I sort of created this out of impulse, so only expect early morning rants on the ills of the world in here. Or things I find ironic to the point of hilarity. Or things that don't quite make sense. (or things that make too much cents)

Anyways um, I suppose this post is a bit lacking. For an inaugural post, it's sort of bland.

Thing's have to get better though sometimes. If we want to make it so.